The Blog of Eternal Stench

Secret Santa

2011-12-27T13:18:00.003-06:00

Best "Secret Santa" gift ever?

Contents:
- 3 Ninja Stealth Black Throwing Knives
- Carrying case with belt loop
- Package of groundhog targets (life sized)
- "Knife and Tomahawk Throwing" by Harry McEvoy

Aaaaaand it's on the road

2011-12-16T21:35:00.007-06:00

Just in time for winter. Ah, who am I kidding? I at least got to get some good drives in. May actually take it out again on Sunday if it's supposed to be 45 and sunny, and the earlier week's rain has (hopefully) washed all the salt off the roads.

Here are some pictures from a professional photo shoot. Apparently it's going to be in a restoration/hot rod magazine. I'll believe it when I see it, but whatever. At some point I'll shoot a video on my flip cam and then you can all cream in your jeans when you see me driving it down the road.

Enjoy!

Oh, so naughty!

Totally lucked out and found Scott Co plates from '47.

Probably my favorite picture of the shoot.

Pay no attention to the missing grille bars. I have them, just haven't put em on.

Note the gun in the gun rack. Must be the only "gangsta" rolling in a '47 IH.

Pay no attention to the missing hub cap.

Good shot of the antiqued lettering we put on it. Note the 5 digit phone number.

And blonds dig it too.

Note the chopped up fenders in the bed.

More From The Garage...

2011-04-12T19:54:00.007-05:00

Slowly but surely we're keeping at the restoration. Ordering parts, cleaning old stuff up, telling lies, and drinking a few beers. At this point my mechanical skills are dubious at best, but my trouble-light holding is still on point. Here are some more photos:

Click on the pictures for hi-res views. YOWZA!

305 Chevy small block engine

Freshly degreased and powerwashed. To give the motor a unique look, we decided to put International Harvester valve covers over the top of the Chevy ones.

Custom made motor mount, bottle of Dew.

Well you can't put a Chevy Orange motor in an International, can you? We opted for "International Harvester Red". Sandblasted the old valve covers. Painted up nice! We'll put dummy bolts in the holes to make it look like it's bolted into the heads.

Dummy breathers just to give it a racing engine look. Hoping it will throw people off. Painted the intake a gun metal gray to offset the red and accent the chrome. Will do a chrome air filter, too.

Now, if it was just installed...

Down at Checkered Past

2011-03-23T20:23:00.006-05:00

Okay, we're back. Got the ol' binder down to the shop. We got the hood off before I could snap a pic, so you'll just have to imagine it.

A much higher res picture here. You can get a sense for the condition. If you click for a bigger pick you can see a pretty cool Studebaker rat rod in the background.

The flathead, sans intake and exhaust manifolds. Engine plate shown on the firewall. 214 cubic inch, rated at 73 horsepower. RAWR!

Pay no attention to the rusty running board. It never did anything to you.

Almost all the hoist can handle. Had to cut the cross member where it attached to the back of the motor. It had to go anyway.

Almost...

Aaaaand, it's out.

Remarkably lighter!

Complete with a filthy transmission. We kept the gear shift stick and will put it on the new transmission. Also will reuse the original horn.

A couple of lonely dudes...

1947 KB-2 International Restoration

2011-03-23T19:40:00.006-05:00

Welcome back, kiddies. What a better way to rejuvenate my blog than with a self-serving post about restoring an old truck? I encourage you to follow along while I use big words to sound like I know what I'm talking about -- or you know, just look at the pictures.

I got this beast in October, and after towing it home from Lynnville, IA, it has sat idle in my garage. Not running. Not having brakes. With a broken rear spring. But goddamnit, the thing was mine, and I'd always wanted an old truck. As soon as it was towed home, the wife just looked at it, smiled, and shook her head. Her only talk of the truck usually involves the words "Sanford" and "Son" - most typically in that order.

Now I can hear you asking yourself, "what does he know about working on cars?". I don't know much, but I'm willing to do what I can and hopefully learn some stuff along the way. (Also a little known fact: in 1997 I was voted the best Trouble Light holder in three counties). I realize it's now March and it's been five months since the Craigslist purchase. It has given me plenty of opportunities to sit in my garage and stare at it while I drink High Lifes and smoke cigarettes. Sometimes I even sit in it and make VROOM VROOM noises. The horn still works, so I'd frequently honk it when imaginary women waved at me as I drove past them.

The truck was all original when I got it (oops, just found out someone put a different rear end on it). The original flathead engine, drum brakes, wood bed, chain mounted tailgate, crank out windshield. It wasn't without some customizations though - it has a friggin' gun rack in the back window. I'll say again, IT HAS A FRIGGIN GUN RACK IN THE BACK WINDOW.

Long story short, the original engine is somewhat close to running. It needs some valve work done and new rings. Much to the chagrin of many old schoolers, I've decided to put a small block Chevy engine in it. I have my reasons and you have yours, but ultimately the SBC makes more sense for me. I'm saving all of the old stuff, so hopefully a guy who's into the original stuff can put it to good use.

Specs: 1947 KB-2 International Harvester pickup, GRD-214 flathead six motor, three speed transmission on the floor, heavy duty Knox box

Well, here are some pics. I apologize for the quality. Most are taken with my crappy cell phone. Some are taken with my camera, and I'll be trying to use that from now on. Without further banter, here they are:
The front end is really why I bought this. It's a '47, but IHC was still doing a pre-War body style. Notice the pointy front end and all the chrome grillework. I have all the parts that are missing.

The aforementioned "Knox" box. It was an upgraded box, apparently with heavier gauge steel.

Big fenders!

Fairly rust-free considering the age. It helps that it sat many years in a barn. Bonus part: the engine was covered in coon/cat shit, the glove box was literally a mouse nest. I guess the gun rack failed to scare them off.

Until next time, when we'll have it in Checkered Past's hot rod shop....

>

Sup, doods?

2011-01-13T17:43:00.002-06:00

Hey! Check it out!

http://www.dalesqc.com

http://www.exileonclark.com/2011/01/two-minutes-of-hate-2011-cubs-higher.html

Holla at you later!

Sr. Eternal Stench

Happy Anniversary to Mrs. Eternal Stench!!

2010-05-22T11:52:00.002-05:00

special thanks to Daft Funk for the design

Oh, So Close!

2010-05-11T09:59:00.003-05:00

6" separated me from the likes of Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, and Joe Kelly. It was my home course of Highland Springs, and I was playing with the Roboner and a few Rolls. A windy par 3 that had me wishing I hadn't lost my 9 iron, I selected "The Ocho" and gave it a nice, easy swing. I landed about 15 feet from the hole and the ball looked like it had eyes for the hole. Too bad it didn't.

Chicago Hawkeyes

2010-04-10T10:05:00.005-05:00

Not sure if any of you went to the the Hawkeye football game in Soldier's Field a few years back. The whole place was a sea of yellow. It was a pretty awesome experience, aside from sitting in the north end zone, where we were unable to escape the hot, August sun and got a nice sunburn for our troubles.

Word on the street is that Iowa is returning to Soldier's Field once again to take on Northern Illinois. First game of the season in 2012. I'm definitely going back. I even co-wrote a recap of the experience with fellow TMS bartender and surly old Jew, Chaim Witz. You can vicariously experience the whole thing again here.

Here's your chance to run into all of those frat boys from Iowa City that you just loved. Where else will you ever have a chance to start telling obnoxious stories of their pasts, in front of their wives/girlfriends no less, about their college exploits of cronyism, sodomizing, and cheating on tests. Trust me, I bet all of those Pikes and Sig Eps will just LOVE that shit. ("Hey man, I bet you have your paddle hanging on your wall in the basement, right?! Yeah!! GRRR! JAGER BOMBS!!")

Editor's Note: even though that Herky picture is from the 80's or 90's, you gotta admit that it's killer!

Baseball!!

2010-04-04T20:58:00.000-05:00

My favorite sport is back, so I figured I'd break down the Cubs for this year. Breaking the news here, since Thunder Matt's Saloon is no longer. I already said that, right?

OFFENSE

Catcher: Geovanny Soto - color me as skeptical. If you look at his career numbers, his Rookie of the Year season appears to be an aberration. I hope I'm wrong, but something about Cub catchers make me really uneasy. I'd be happy if he could give us a .250/16/65 Projected Grade: C

First Base: Derrek Lee - DLee bounced back last year with a solid season. His offensive numbers shot back up, giving him his best season since 2005. I'm not sure that you can count on that type of production again, especially considering that he's now 35, but he should be solid if he's healthy. Projected Grade: B

Second Base: Mike Fontenot - Yeah, Mike Fontenot, with a likely platoon with Jeff Baker. I'm over Fontenot. His glove is not special, his speed is not special, and save for the occasional long ball, his bat is nothing special. And he really pisses me off when he fails to bunt or move a runner over. Sure, that's mostly the whole team, but he's the scapegoat. So many FA moves could have been made here to upgrade this position. Projected Grade: C-

Short Stop: Ryan Theriot - The very serviceable Ryan Theriot. You know what you're getting from Theriot. He'll make most of the plays that he should make in the field, and won't make the ones that are highlight worthy. He'll hit around .300, steal a few bases, and will undoubtedly be hit out of position. He's not a leadoff hitter, but I guess it's better than Alfie. Projected Grade: B-

Third Base: Aramis Ramierez - Will he stay healthy? That is the big question with Ramierez. If he does, he'll give us a great glove on the hot corner and a line of .300/30/100, if he doesn't, well, get used to Jeff Baker or the newly acquired corpse of Chad Tracy. Make no mistake: A-Ram is the cornerstone of this offense. Projected Grade: B

Left Field: Alfonso Soriano - also known as a steaming pile of dog fudge. Horrible in the field, severely regressing speed on the bases, diminishing power numbers which will surely further plummet by hitting down in the order (if you throw him a fastball, you should be sent to AAA), a body that's breaking down, and a crippling contract. Please Alfie, PLEASE just give us 80 RBI. That's all I want (other than a trade, if a team were stupid enough to go for it) Projected Grade: C-

Center Field: Marlon Byrd - HEY! Something to look forward to. I mean, at least it's not Milton Bradley! I'm a bit leery of his last season's numbers being a breakout year and that they came from a hitter's park in Texas, but whatever. Thus far he seems to be a likable guy, and a guy with some sorely needed power from an OF spot. I'm excited! Projected Grade: B

Right Field: Kosuke Fukudome - I like the hustle, I like the baseball smarts, I like that he's somewhat fleet of foot, I love his defense, I hate his contract, I hate his whirlybird strikeouts where he doesn't even come close to stepping towards the pitcher. Kosuke NEEDS to have a strong year for the Cubs to contend. He needs to play a complete season, no more petering out at the end, or getting off to a start that's slower than molasses in January. Projected Grade: B-

STARTING PITCHING

Starters:
Carlos Zambrano - I'm hearing a lot about a breakout year. I'm hearing a lot about how he's refocused on his mental approach and how he's taken care of his body in the offseason and has lost weight. I don't buy any of it. Zambrano is not an ace. I think Zambrano is a 3rd starter. He'll never get over his mental problems, and I think he'll have a bad season. Projected Grade: D

Ryan Dempster - Steady as she goes, Cum Dump. He's getting up in years, but the guy is a gamer. He's lost some zip on his fastball, but he seems to be pitching smarter. Unlike Zambrano, I think Dump will have a strong season. Let's say 15 wins and an ERA in the mid to high 3's. I'll be happy with that, wouldn't you? Projected Grade: B

Ted Lilly - Starting the year on the DL after offseason surgery. Lilly quietly has been the Cubs most consistent pitcher of the last 2 seasons. You have to wonder about a a guy in his mid-30's when he's coming off of shoulder trouble, I'm hoping he gets by on guts and guile - you know, a textbook "Crafty Lefty". Projected Grade: C+

Randy Wells - The guy that we could never score runs for is back! Wells was 12-10 last year with a very respectable 3.05 ERA. He probably should have been 15-7, but that's baseball. He doesn't have overpowering or nasty stuff, he just locates well and changes speeds. Perhaps a poor man's Mark Buehrle? I'd definitely take that from a 3rd or 4th starter! I expect a bit of regression as the league has now seen him for an entire season, but he still should be solid. Projected Grade: C+

Carlos Silva - He's fat, and he's what we got for getting rid of Milton Bradley. Frankly, I'd rather have seen Sean Marshall here, but maybe they didn't want to have 3 lefties in the starting rotation. I don't know anything about Silva other than that he's fat and he's got a historically high ERA. Maybe coming to the NL will help him. All I'm hoping for is that he can be an innings eater. And really, what can you really expect from a #5 starter? Projected Grade: C-

BULLPEN

Esmailin Caridad - Who? Yeah, I know. He's got some nasty stuff from what little I saw of him at the season's end last year and a bit of spring training stuff this year. I think the Cubs are looking for him to be an 8th inning guy now that Angel Guzman looks like his career is done. Who knows. Expect some growing pains. Projected Grade: C

Sean Marshall - our lefty who it looks like the Cubs want to be the long relief guy. Never mind that he should be starting, but I digress. He'll be a valuable commodity in a young bullpen with very little experience. Projected Grade: C+

John Grabow - the lefty situational reliever. He's not great, but not awful either, but he's making almost $3m a year. Projected Grade: C

A bunch of other dudes. Collective Projected Grade: C-

Carlos Marmol - Oh, Carlos. For the past two seasons I've told all who listened that you are destined to become Juan Cruz version 2.0. I hope I'm wrong. I hope you can get your control down and let you nasty movement leave batters frustrated from swinging and missing rather than be frustrated from another bruise by way of your recurring beanballs. This is his year where the closer job is his from the start. +/- for saves is 25. I'm nervous. Projected Grade: C+

OVERALL OUTLOOK

I don't feel good with this team. For it to win the Central, it seems that too many guys would have to produce career years, and that's not a good sign. I don't see the pitching being there, especially in the bullpen. With the lack of action in the offseason, I get the impression that the new management is looking to ride out these bad contracts until they can get something that they can work with. The problem is, by the time that happens, our big and reliable offensive guys like Lee and A-Ram will be past their primes. Needless to say, I'm not optimistic about the season. I predict a .500 record and a third place finish in the divisions. Like a dumbass, though, I'll be watching as much as I can.

Is There Still Room on the Bandwagon?

2010-03-22T17:37:00.002-05:00

Why would the Hawkeyes want Ali Farokhmanesh when we had John Lickliter? In case you didn't know, UNI's hero point guard is from Iowa City. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that we didn't even recruit him (but to be fair, I don't think he got ANY D-I looks out of Iowa City West).

Has there ever been a better year to have your bracket blown to bits? I couldn't be happier. Seeing wins like UNI over Kansas, Murray State pulling one out, Alford getting his pompous ass tossed after barely skating by my Griz in Round One, Ohio beating Georgetown, etc, etc, etc. That being said, I already have lost two of my Final Four teams. Ouch.

Dirty rumor out there: Kalin Lucas and teammate Chris Allen failed drug tests. Allegedly, the test were issued proactively by MSU to scare the players straight. My source says they both failed the test just prior to the Big Ten tourney, but only Chris Allen was benched, and under the guise of not meeting team principles or some bullshit like that. Lucas, being the star, got to play regardless. Care to take back some of your comments, Izzo?

"It's an amazing world I live in," Michigan State coach Tom Izzo said Monday, when a reporter asked for his reaction to the firing. "I don't know Todd that well, but I know this: he's a quality guy, he doesn't cheat, he does it the right way. I think, for what he had with the injuries and suspensions because of alcohol, I thought he did a hell of a job."

And I guess UNI doesn't get a pass either. When your starting center, Jordan Eglseder, gets a DUI and only gets suspended for 3 games, which just happened to expire by the time the all-important MVC Tourney started. Well, maybe Lickliter shouldn't have been so harsh on his players. I'm sure THAT'S why we didn't win...

I'm Getting Old - Volume 212

2010-03-11T12:20:00.002-06:00

I had to go to Iowa City this morning to pick up my transcript. Yowzers, has it almost been 10 years since I attended school there? Where has the time gone? It was a hard pill to swallow: less than a decade ago I used to stroll around that campus as one of the coolest guys there. Burton stocking cap, Arnette shades, Sony Discman with old-ass headphones, satchel-style bag, running red lights and dodging people on my Schwinn Sidewinder, swiping my ID card to get a piece of pizza at the John Poppajohn business building, and then going outside to smoke a parliament light.

Oh my ganeisheo, I felt out of place. The dudes still sported scruffy facial hair, had scraggly hair, probably smelled like that patchouli oil, etc. But now they were all wearing iPods, wearing skinny jeans, and they had almost twice as much hair on their heads as I have on mine. No one rode bikes, no one was smoking. The girls all had those boots that go over their jeans. I almost got sick. This is not the Iowa City I remember. For shame. It ain't like it used to be.

Stuff I'm listening to: Surfer Blood - Astro Coast, Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon, Drive-by Truckers - The Big To-Do, any Tea Leaf Green I can find.

Stuff I'm Reading: Comfortably Numb: The Inside Story of Pink Floyd by Mark Blake, Sleepless by Charlie Huston, Open by Andre Agassi (starting)

Movies/TV: Breaking Bad, Lost (Though I increasingly wonder why), A Serious Man, Millionaire Matchmaker (yeah, it's gay, but my wife loves it, and now I'm sucked in), Moon, Pawn Stars.

Skeet Skeet Moment: just found out that Pearl Jam is playing in Indy in May, Band of Horses are opening. Moment #2: heading to the Ozarks in the near future, fishing pole in tote.

Unchecked Aggression

2010-03-10T13:34:00.002-06:00

No More Olympics

2010-03-01T08:45:00.005-06:00

I feel lost. Now what do I do? What valid excuse do I have to tell the missus, "Can you please let me watch this, it only happens once every four years!" I'm going to miss them. I guess it's good that they're only every four years so they keep their mystique and allure. Still though, that doesn't soften the blow on Dark Monday - the day after the Olympics are over. I've always been a huge Olympics junkie, so huge in fact that I have to fight the urge to make impulse buys after watching these seldom-seen sports.

"Hey, I should get some cross-country skis! And maybe a high-powered, low caliber rifle. I could be a biathlete!"

"Wait, it's not snowy enough around these parts long enough to get good at skiing. Ooh! I can get a pair of cross country roller skates and poles and practice on the bike path during the warm times! Or I could buy a Nordic Track. I'd ALWAYS use that."

"I bet I could get a cheap pair of speed skates on eBay."

"Perhaps I should buy some curling stones and start a club at the local ice rink. I could wear a tennis shoe on my right foot, and a flat-bottomed dress shoe on my (left) slide foot."

Yeah, luckily I have a significant other who I (typically) run by proposed purchases.

Olympic highlights include:

-Hockey. Seriously, I rarely watch hockey but even I could see that it can be compelling TV given the proper circumstances. Maybe in honor of Canada's win, I will go home and change out of my dress shirt in favor of a red and black checkered flannel. I hate Sydney Crosby.

-Cross Country Skiing. I don't know, I'm a sucker for endurance sports. So much so that I'll even endure Al Trautwig announcing them and NBC's horrific and sporadic coverage of the events. By and large, all of the finishes fell under the "Epic" category.

-Figure Skating. I'm man enough to admit it. Figure skating is just plain exciting. All the athletes are under immense pressure and know they'll be subjected to subjective judging. Hell, even Johnny Weir. That flamboyant dude was like a car wreck - repulsive on the surface but tough to look away from.

-Curling. Like much of the nation, I got caught up in it. It was one of the few sports they showed (thanks to it being on "minor league" channels MSNBC and CNBC) in it's entirety. Really though, I think it's great appeal is that it seems that ANYONE could play it, given the rocks and the ice, right?

Bye bye, Olympics. See you in 800-some days in London. OK, where's my speedo and water polo cap?

It Can Still Be Funny

2010-02-25T16:25:00.002-06:00

On the oft chance that you still check Thunder Matt's Saloon (and I guess on the very, very oft chance that you still check this site), I hope you saw the recent post on PPV porn. Don't worry, it's safe for work - as long as you don't embarrass yourself laughing. I think it's one of the best posts on there in a long, long time.

The Joy of Craigslist

2010-02-19T14:49:00.003-06:00

This has been often bantered about and passed around in emails, but I'd like to share it with you just in case you've never seen it. Oh, Craigslist! You're SO incorrigible! (BTW, jo = jack off)

Gov't Mule & The Extra-Terrestrials

2010-02-12T09:55:00.003-06:00

Tuesday night was music night. I love it when I can stay in town and see one of my favorite bands - in this case, that band is Gov't Mule. If you don't know who they are, well, I feel bad for you and you lack of musical taste, but since I rarely blog, here's a little background. The main dude is Warren Haynes, who plays guitar and sings. He's awesome. He also has played in The Allman Brothers and The Dead. Is that enough info? If not, you can always go here.

Tuesday started off a bit rough, as once again, the winter skies opened up and gave us some more fucking snow, as if we haven't had enough. (Yeah, yeah, yeah the East Coast got 20 some inches, blah, blah, blah. The East Coast also thinks it's better than anyone else and they talk with funny accents and they're really into politics and they're often brutish, so...they can eff off.) I got my brother a ticket for a Christmas gift, so he was in town, which was cool. Cooler still, the venue was The Capitol Theater in downtown Davenport, a place I hadn't been in since grade school, which when I think about it, was like 20-25 years ago. God, I'm old.

Tuesday got better after the day went on a bit. The snow finally quit and suddenly my cell phone beeped and I had a text message from Al Sweet. "gov't mule pre-party at my house" Yay! A pre-party. This was gonna be great. Seeing some old friends, relaxin', deechin', drinking some beers, pluckin' some guitars, s'ing some d's, you know, really Americana-type fun.

On the ride to the venue my bro and I caught a lift with another party-goer. For the sake of the following story, he shall remain nameless. The ride started off dubiously. First, he was unable to get the power door locks to work on the car. Secondly, the car wouldn't start until he put it in neutral (it was an automatic transmission). Thirdly, after finally getting the car started, he couldn't get the car to shift into drive. Fourthly, I started thinking, "If I miss even 1 second of Gov't Mule, I'm going to be fucking pissed." Luckily, everything came together. Then it was brought to my attention that the driver claims to have seen a UFO in Mexico City. Yeah, a real UFO. He proceeds to tell us the story, where he saw the UFO flying at dusk as he was on the roof reading on top of a 5 story building. As chance would have it, no one was around. I did all I could not to bust out laughing, but this dude isn't one wont to lying. "Were you on acid?" I asked. C'mon, it's a valid question. "No, man. I was just chilling out and reading." I followed with, "Were you smoking pot? Were you high?" Again, it's a valid question. "Nope. I mean, I had smoked earlier in the day, but..." What do you say? In my case - nothing. I just left it at that.

After finding a spot to park and seeing who could write their name (in cursive, mind you) in the snow with a steaming stream of piss, we headed to the show.

The Capitol has been renovated fairly recently. It really is a suave place. Gold paint, arched ceilings, applied mouldings, lush draperies, pretty much a standard, old-style theatre. We stood in the lobby and halls drinking beers and halfway listening to the opening act, The Steepwater Band. How well can you judge a band through doors and walls? Not very. As soon as they stopped, we headed in to get some seats (whole concert was GA). We sat right up close, as the bad weather and false, shady rumors (please boycott RIBCO, I'm not joking) of the show being sold out rendered it a pretty sparsely attended show - maybe 800 out of a potential 1,200.

Classic Mule stage setup. No frills, black backdrop, old-school Dose symbol behind the drums. You come for the music, you don't come for theatrics. This is not Kanye West here, this is not Britney Spears, no one is trying to mask their lack of talent with assorted flavors of eye candy. Warren Haynes and the boys walk right out, laid back, probably high, and pick up their instruments for some last-second tuning. Half jokingly, me and Jimmy holler out "Bad Little Doggie". And wouldn't you know it, they opened with....wait for it..."Bad Little Doggie". Probably the only time that will ever happen.

After the excitement of that wore off, it was easy for my professional ears to determine that the sound mix was AWFUL. It was all bass and drums, and Warren's guitar and vocals, arguably the main selling point of the band, was muffled something fierce. How does a fucking local sound guy, familiar with the venue, have shit fucked up that bad? I'm not joking, it was so bad that we moved to the back of the theater. The sound was infinitely better. Eventually, we moved to the balcony where we just chilled and took it all in, but still. Concerts are WAY better when you can take an available upfront seat and stand and dance to a great band. It was not to be that way. In that regard, the show we caught a few years back at Hoyt Sherman Theatre in Des Moines was far better.

Now, let's go over the setlist, courtesy of www.mulebase.com, with my comments sprinkled in for effect:

1st Set:
Bad Little Doggie
Broke Down On The Brazos
Lay Your Burden Down
Bad Man Walking nice double bass drum fills by Matt Abts on this GM staple. Add some crowd singing, it was cool that they slowed it down a bit.
Time To Confess
Stay With Me I never would have guessed that a Rod Stewart/Faces cover could sound so good. I was absolutely doing the hippie dance to this one.
Scenes From A Troubled Mind *
Thorazine Shuffle Classic Mule, would probably be double cool on psychedelics, but Nicky says "nah, brah" to those.

2nd Set: Lola Leave Your Light On > Mother Earth
Streamline Woman > Drums
Forevermore
Mule
Soulshine Yeah, call me a douche, this is my favorite song of theirs, and I was glad they played it.

Before the encore, the crowd was going bananas cheering them on, and for whatever reason, myself, Jimmy, and Randy Leasman just started chanting "AL SWEEEEET!!!"

Encore: The Hunter >(1) 32-20 Blues (1) As much as Warren wails on this guitar-driven classic, the guy that came out from The Steepwater Band absolutely KILLED on the guitar solos. I have to think Warren held back on his end and let Massey shine, which was classy to be sure, but I would have loved to see Warren kill it here. GREAT closer.

Setlist Notes: * First Time Played ; (1) with Jeff Massey on guitar

Hey!!!!

2010-01-28T17:10:00.001-06:00

Looking into those big brown eyes that day, I saw a pure, unfiltered desire to get his rape on.

Thanks to Wolter for the heads up on this.

Life Alert: Still Here

2010-01-25T08:02:00.002-06:00

Gimme a break, I just got back from Cabo. No, I wasn't there for a month and a half, I wish I was, both because it's a good time and because it would have been a great excuse for not posting anything in a month and a half.

Cabo was pretty cool. Really laid back, a totally different experience than Cancun. (As an aside, many of the people on our Cabo trip seemed to love to bash Cancun at any chance. I see no merit in this argument and totally disagree. I love Cancun. As the kids say in internet speak these days: I <3 Cancun) Cabo is much smaller than Cancun and doesn't really have any big resorts. You walk around a bunch in Cabo and there's tons of restaurants and bars to frequent. Even the beach is just a walk (or water taxi ride) away. Here are some of my highlights of Cabo:

- surfing. We took a 45 minute taxi ride up the Pacific side of the Baja Penninsula to a sweet place called Los Cerritos beach. It's a small public beach with a bar/restaurant and two surf shops. The waves were anywhere from 6-10 tall. I took a surfing lesson and even managed to get up on my first wave. I also managed to get the shit kicked out of me by the water. I suffered some pretty nasty rib damage by doing a 6' freefall that ended by my board landing on the water and my chest smashing onto the board. It was still totally worth it. Bucket List type stuff, brah. I think I'm supposed to say "Fifey!"

- deep sea fishing. 5 hours on a boat and no fish, not even a bite. On the positive side, we saw all kinds of gray whales jumping and spraying water. We also were in the middle of a school of about 100 dolphins. Yeah, 100, I shit you not. They would swim right up to the boat. Pretty sweet.

-Cabo Wabo Bar. I'm the first to admit that I hate Sammy Hagar. And I'll also admit that his bar (it was about 100 steps from our hotel) was killer. A live band during the day and a live band every night. The place was awesome - big, but not too big. The house band was rape as hell, and the drinks were pretty cheap too.

-countless deech sessions

-bartering

-being a hero in our group for being somewhat able to speak Spanish

-the food, duh

-78-82 degrees every day we were there, with sun and almost no clouds.

Aside from that, here's what I've been up to in the last month and a half, because I know you're dying to find out:

- I quit doing Body For Life. 6 days a week is too much. I still am doing 3-4 days of cardio, but for now, the weights have been eliminated.

- I posted my Top Albums of 2009 over at TMS.

- I started carrying a pocket knife full time. So very handy.

- I realized the Saints are a dirty fucking football team. I hope INDY destroys them. Hurricane Manning...

- I'll admit it, the Vikings deserved to lose that game. Yeah, they outplayed NO, but you can have that many TO's, that many boneheaded coaching decisions, and basically the entire country rooting against you and still hope to come out on top.

-I'm addicted to the AMC show "Mad Men". Best TV series since "The Wire". I think I could have thrived in the 60's advertising market.

-I'm shocked to find out how many diehard Conan O'Brien fans there are. You know, once they announced his show was over. Of all the late night guys, he's always been my fav, but it's not like I still watched it, and obviously no one else did either.

- I bowled my all-time high game of 219 a few weeks back. I've been gifted a ball, so I now own my own ball for the first time since I was 11.

See you in another few months...

Rapid-fire Machine Gun

2009-12-14T14:41:00.002-06:00

Before I do another post updating my oh-so-interesting workout regimen, allow me to lighten things up a bit. I try to appease the few readers here as much as possible, and a week ago I got a message that read, "When are you going to blog about something funny again?" OK, here goes:

I mentioned last week that I was struggling with a severe bout of diarrhea. I got through last Monday fine, and I assumed it was done. Not eating hardly anything at all was leave me with a voracious appetitie to say the least. Tuesday I was getting the shakes, probably from low blood sugar, so I decided to splurge a bit. I hit up Panchero's for a delicious burrito, washed down with a tall glass of half diet Coke, half root beer. I can't begin to explain how great it made me feel. For the first time in weeks, I was full. Uncomfortably full, yes, but it felt damn good.

That was, until I got home. (Note: if you don't like bathroom humor, don't read anymore. Maybe go check out a hip site like The Handfelt Happy Hour) My stomach felt a bit uneasy, which I attributed to the steak burrito with the extra-hot sauce and corn salsa. I hastily went to the YMCA to lift weights. I had to leave after 10 minutes. I barely made it home in time to SPRINT to the john. The runs were back. And they were back in a bad way. It was an explosion that produced such a recoil from impact with the water that the bottom side of the toilet seat lid got splashed.

Flash forward 20 minutes. I'm back on the throne again, this time with more than liquid coming from my anus. Remember how I said I had corn salsa? Yeah, that didn't digest like the steak, rice, and beans did. It was like a machine gun. My ass was on fire and I unluckily had the pleasure of feeling each kernal of corn being blasted from my rump. Good God. And if that wasn't bad enough, I had to hear the kernals going ker-plop in the water. Yeah, that was awesome.

**********

OK, now to the picture of me. I don't have a current one, but I do have one of me before I started the Body For Life plan. As you can see, I needed to do something. Check it out here.

Body for Life: Days 15-21

2009-12-07T11:43:00.002-06:00

Addressing the request for pictures, I'll post one later this week. I was going to do one at the mid-point (Day 42) and finally one on the final day (Day 84).

Week 3 started just like the last ones did, though this week I was a bit hungrier to get after it since it was following a holiday week. I've finally started to feel a little less sore throughout the week, which I credit to dropping the amount of weight I lift. I'm all for a little pain, but I'm not walking around in a constant state of soreness.

The only pitfall to this week was a horrible bout of diarrhea that I contracted, probably on Friday night. All day Saturday and Sunday I was capable of shitting through a screen door, both in terms of liquidity and velocity. As such, my weight this morning was 173, a pretty sharp drop, and one which I'm saying is skewed by the dehydration. It started Saturday morning when I was laying in bed and had to fart, only it resulted in a shart. Not good. The epic came Sunday afternoon when I got off the couch to answer my phone and produced a full-blown pants full of shit. Had to pitch the boxers. They were damn good ones too, ones that I calculated have been covering my genitals for almost 10 years. Had it not been so bitterly cold, I might have buried them in the back yard.

Monday: no breakfast, same ol' turkey sandwich and salad for lunch, carrots and a burrito for dinner. My swim workout was a good one. I followed the same 5-10 effort interval, but I bumped each effort level (or a "rep") up to 75 yards. My swim times have been getting better, so I was finishing the workouts faster than 20 minutes. 5,5,6,7,8,9,5,5,6,7,8,9,5,5,6,7,8,9,10, 5 which was good for 1,500 yards of speedwork. Yowsers!

Tuesday: malt-o-meal, Subway sandwich, turkey Helper. Upper body workout done with dilligence and focus because I had to get home by 7:00 to catch The Biggest Loser. Did chest (bench, flyes), shoulders (Arnold Press, vertical raises), back (pullups), biceps (curls), and triceps (dips, cable extensions)

Wednesday: no breakfast, leftover turkey helper, grilled chicken burrito. Did the 1,000 yard swim interval and then did a 45 minute spin class afterward.

Thursday: granola bar, leftover burrito, sushi and potato soup. Lower body workout. OK, my knee is really limiting this for me. I've decided these workouts will consist of situps, calf raises, hamstring curls, and the ellipitcal machine done slow with heavy resistance. Did this workout at the West YMCA, which I have come to hate with a passion. Small, cramped locker room, always crowded, push-button showers that last about 10 seconds. Boo.

Friday: day off

Saturday: Pooping be damned and hungry as hell, I figured I'd swim before eating so as to burn some extra fat. I was a bit sore in my upper body so I just swam 1,500 yards straight at a decent pace. I was a bit sore from lifting previosuly but more importantly from rearranging my living room. I got back from swimming and had a cookie before running to the bathroom.

Sunday: the shits were too bad to do the planned run. I did manage to take the dog for a hike in the woods, but most of the day was just couch sitting and laying around. Had some popcorn and a bit of ice cream...and about 5 doses of Pepto Bismol.

Body For Life: Days 8 - 14

2009-11-30T10:30:00.002-06:00

You know it's great doing some sort of fitness/diet plan when week 2 is Thanksgiving week. Hey, I'm doing my best. After 1 week I had only lost 1 pound. I stepped on the scale today and have lost another pound, which ain't bad considering it was a holiday week.

Monday: swam

Tuesday: supposed to be a lower body weight lifting, but I had a race on Thursday, so I only did situps

Wednesday: swam Oh yeah, had a Panchero's steak burrito under the guise of "carb loading".

Thursday: Turkey Trot - 5 miles. Cold as a mofo, I turned in my slowest performance to date: 58 minutes. That's damn neat 12 minute miles. Oh well, I never walked any of it, which was a small accomplishment, but was out-kicked by Shaffer in the final mile as he walloped me by a minute. Also put down two Thanksgiving meals. Advantage: push.

Friday: off day

Saturday: upper body weight training

Sunday: 1.5 mile tempo run, did it in 15 minutes, good for a 10:00 mile pace, but I was huffing.

Not a bad week considering, like I said. I also consumed WAY too many alcoholic beverages this week, which is to be expected. Hey, some old friends were in town, dig? You gotta live life, too. Back at it hard this week. I didn't write down all that I ate, so you'll have to forgive the lack of details that you all crave.

Ah yes, I was asked by a blog reader to explain the effort levels of the 5-10 ratings on the cardio workouts. We'll use the pool as an example:

5 - the slowest I can swim without sinking (seems slow, but you need it after a '10')
6 - my typical warmup pace
7 - getting some good resistance and speed
8 - I would call this "race pace" in triathlons. A pace I can hold, but it'll wear you down.
9 - A speed that I can hold for no more than 100 yards. Truckin'.
10 - Balls out. I can do down-and-back and that's about it.

Body For Life: Days 3 - 7

2009-11-23T10:30:00.002-06:00

OK, I got through one week. Lemme tell you that I'm sore as a mofo after that upper body workout. Oh my God, it was bad. I'm NOT looking forward to more of that.

Day 3: Cardio Day. Rather than follow the exact program here, I've modified it slightly because I'm running the YMCA Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day. And, being as how I've yet to run over 3 miles in one run, I figured I'd shoot for four. No, no interval training. I need the miles on my legs. The run went fine except for the painful upper body muscles bouncing with each step

Diet: more of the grind... Cream of Wheat and water for breakfast, granola bar for snack, turkey sandwich for lunch with water/Crystal Light and carrots, taco casserole for dinner with a salad.

Day 4: Lower Body Weight Training. Boo. Not gonna lie, I feared getting the same unbeleieveable soreness that I got from the upper body portion, so I only did calves and situps, along with 20 minutes on the bike with high resistance. This Turkey Trot is killing me.

Diet: Malt-o-Meal and water, granola bar for snack, ham sandwich and potato soup with water for lunch, leftover taco casserole, suasage soup, and a salad with water for dinner. Then had 4 beers while playing Sequence out in Buffalo! (Oh, no!!!)

Day 5: Cardio Day. Still super sore in my upper body. Swimming made me realize how many muscles you use when while doing it. I followed the same workout as Day 1. The intervals and 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 5. Got me pretty tuckered out. Finished with an easy 250 yard swim.

Diet: Malt-o-meal and H2O, no snack, Subway sandwich and baked chips with lemonade/water, garlic pork Thai food for dinner with a beer and a diet soda.

Day 6: off day. Took full advantage by tailgating in Iowa City. Too many beers and tailgate food to track. Like I said, it was a free day and I took advantage.

Day 7: Upper body weight training. Finally didn't feel sore, only my aching head from all the booze. I did the same rep sets as Day 2. Shoulders: Arnold Press with final set of lateral raises. Back: Lat pull-downs with final set of dumbell rows. Chest: straight bench press with final set of flyes. Triceps: cable pushdowns with final set of one-armed reverse cable pulldowns (OUCH). Biceps: bar curls, couldn't do a final set of an alternative.

Diet: Cream of Wheat, truckloads of water, leftover thai food, more water, two pieces of pizza for dinner with water.

Weighed myself this morning and have lost 1 pound. I'm now at 177. I was at 178 with 26% body fat, according to my digital scale. Still feeling a bit sore, but manageable.

Congrats to Jeff Schebler

2009-11-23T10:14:00.003-06:00

I have no problem schilling for family here. My wife's cousin, Jeff Schebler, and native of Davenport, just set the career kicking record in all divisions of NCAA sports. A few weeks back he broke the D-III record, and now he's got the big dog wrapped up. Congrats to him and his team, UW-Whitewater, who are currently the #2 seed in the D-III playoffs.

Oh yes, he writes a blog, too, for a sports website.

Taken from this article:

Schebler, a senior and three time All-American and 2009 Fred Mitchell Award finalist, became the all-time kick scoring leader in NCAA football --- any division --- with his ten points today. Schebler has accumulated 437 points at UW-W. With the UW-W, WIAC and Division III records already in hand, Schebler passed Art Carmody (Louisville, 2004-2007) as the leading kick scorer in NCAA history.

Floyd!

2009-11-20T13:26:00.005-06:00

I can't verify ALL the facts in this, as it was a forwarded email. Most of the story appears to be accurate, though even I could tell that it has an obvious Iowa slant. Regardless, I found it interesting because I'd never really know why Iowa and Minnesota play for "the pig".

C'mon, you Hawks! I fucking hate Minnesota.

It’s a little-known fact that Floyd of Rosedale, the long-time traveling trophy that goes to the winner of Iowa’s football game with Minnesota at Kinnick Stadium on Saturday, is a product of racism.

The target of that racism was Ozzie Simmons, a star running back for the Hawkeyes in the mid-1930s when Hitler was spreading bigotry in Europe and the Ku Klux Klan was active in America. Not many African Americans were competing in college sports.

One of the few blacks playing major college football was Simmons. As Iowa's best player, he was often the target of racial slurs and verbal abuse. Almost all opponents were guilty to some degree, but the worst was Minnesota. (Ed. - Yeah, no bias in that statement!)

As the Gophers were preparing to visit Iowa in 1934, the Minneapolis Tribune ran an article that said, “Simmons is a Negro halfback who runs like a deer and has a knack of fading away from tacklers in a ghostlike manner.”

That was 75 years ago, and the Gophers were on their way to a national championship. They would no doubt have beaten Iowa without cruel and inhuman treatment to its black star, but wanting to ensure victory they knocked Simmons out of the game not once, not twice, but three times with late hits and cheap shots.

He never played in the second half of a 48-12 Minnesota romp. One person who witnessed that game was Ed Benedict, who was in school with Simmons. In an interview several years ago he told me, “It was shameful the way Minnesota beat up on Ozzie. It was brutal and I felt sorry for him.”

Another witness was former President Ronald Reagan, then the play-by-play voice for WHO radio. “I remember some really hard and often late hits aimed at Ozzie,” he told Jim Zabel, who later called Iowa games for WHO.

Simmons himself recalled Minnesota as a great football team. “But they were blatant with their piling on and kneeing me. It was obvious, but the refs didn’t call it. Some of our fans were so upset they wanted to come out on the field.”

The 1935 schedule brought Minnesota back to Iowa City, where Hawkeye fans were still fuming. Simmons was on his way to all-America honors and both teams were unbeaten. This season, Iowa was no pushover.

The week before the game Iowa Governor Clyde Herring issued a statement that predicted a Hawkeye victory and contained an inflammatory warning: “If officials stand for any rough tactics like Minnesota used on Ozzie Simmons last year, I’m sure the crowd will not.”

In essence, he promised a public mugging if the Gophers didn’t behave. Simmons was both surprised and embarrassed by the governor’s threat. “He was clearly telling the Gophers, ‘We’re coming out of the stands to get you.’ I wasn’t proud of that. I just wanted to play football.”

When Minnesota Coach Bernie Bierman asked for a police guard, Governor Herring threatened to end relations between the two universities. Newspapers in both states ran big, bold headlines usually reserved for declaration of war.

Fortunately, a cooler head resided in the Minnesota governor’s office. Governor Floyd Olson tried to calm things down with this telegram to Governor Herring in Des Moines: “Minnesota fans are excited over your statement about the Iowa crowd lynching the Minnesota football team. I have assured them that you are a law-abiding gentleman only trying to get our goat. The Minnesota team will tackle hard but clean. Clyde, if you seriously think Iowa has a chance to win, I will bet you a Minnesota prize hog against an Iowa prize hog. You are getting odds because Minnesota produces better hogs than Iowa."

Fortunately, Herring was smart enough to accept the friendly wager and quit making threats. “It was an unusual way to calm things down,” said Simmons. “We had one of the best games I ever played in. Everyone played clean and hard and honest.”

After Minnesota won 13-6, the Minneapolis Tribune reported, “Never have we heard so much praise for an opposing player as the Gophers had for Ozzie Simmons.”

Paying off his debt, Governor Herring delivered a prize pig named Floyd of Rosedale to Governor Olson, who gave it to the University of Minnesota and commissioned sculptor Charles Brioscho to capture Floyd’s image.

The bronze statue of Floyd has resided in the Iowa football complex the last two years, following two Hawkeye victories. Saturday it will be sitting on the Iowa sideline at Kinnick Stadium for the winner to claim.

If you are at the game and get a glimpse of the trophy, or see it while watching the game on TV, pause to remember Ozzie Simmons, who died nine years ago at age 87. He is a member of Iowa’s all-time team and a charter member of the UI Varsity Club Hall of Fame. Wearing a black and gold uniform 75 years ago, he played an important role in integrating college football. He is the reason Iowa and Minnesota compete annually for a bronze pig named Floyd of Rosedale.

Body For Life: Days 1 & 2

2009-11-17T18:39:00.005-06:00

Ugh. Yes, let me start by saying "ugh". How in the hell did I come up with this idea anyway? Oh yeah, Shaffer and his big mouth. Well, I've just completed Day 2 of the aforementioned fitness challenge. As I'm typing this right now, my triceps are literally quivering. My arms are shaking like I'm out in the cold. Sure, I got a nice pump and swell, but now I'm just nursing a dull fatigue. OK, here's what's happened so far:

Diet Day One: rice cake and 2 cups of water for breakfast, honey wheat pretzels for a snack, turkey sandwich and carrots for lunch plus 2 cups of water, chicken and sausage soup and crackers for dinner plus 2 cups of water.

Diet Day Two: cream of wheat and water for breakfast, no snack, turkey sandwich and soup for lunch plus two cups of water, taco casserole and salad for dinner with water and a (gasp!) caffeine free Diet Coke. note: most of the water I drink has a small amount of Crystal Light for flavor

Thoughts: This is tough. I've hardly ever eaten breakfast during the week. I find that I'm hungry for much of the day. Not drinking pop is tough too. All of the water intake has me pissing constantly. I've been assured this is a good thing.

Cardio Day 1: Pool Workout. 150 yard warmup followed by 20 continuous laps with varying intensity. A 5 is a slow and easy swim, a 10 is completely balls out. It went like this by lap: 5,5,6,7,8,9,5,5,6,7,8,9,5,5,6,7,8,9,10, 5. Finished with a 100 yard cool down.

Cardio Day 2: Upper Body Weight Training.
Chest: pushups. 12, 10, 8 ,6, 12, 12 The last 12 I had to do off my knees
Shoulders: Dumbell Press. 12, 10, 8, 6, 12, 12 The last set of 12 was side raises.
Back: Dumbell Rows. 12, 10, 8, 6, 12, 12 The last set was dumbell pullovers.
Triceps: Bench Dips 12, 10, 8, 6, 12, 12 The last set of 12 was seated overhead dumbell extensions.
Biceps: Concentration Curls 12, 10, 8, 6, 12, 12 The last set of 12 was standing bar curls.

Thoughts: The swimming wasn't as many yards as I had been doing, but varying the intensity left me pretty bushed at the end, I could really feel it in the shoulders. The weight training was tough. It's been since before my wedding that I'd hefted any weights. I've always had an inordinately weak chest, so I've always avoided it. My God, those pushups were slow and painful, almost surely with poor form. I worked out at home because the gym was insanely crowded. I do not want to make this a habit because it's too awkward for me. Perhaps I'll have to bite the bullet and lift before work. Grr. Ugh.

Gay Cover, Promising Program

2009-11-16T08:14:00.004-06:00

OK, in yet another attempt to turn over a new leaf in my life, I'm giving this a go. I'd seen this book countless times in the bookstore but had never bothered to look at it. Like the title of this post says, it is quite a gay looking cover. I was persuaded by a friend, however, that it was a pretty effective book, so I'm gonna give it a try. Who am I to question a father-of-three-grease-monkey?

I've read the book and am properly inspired. The gist is that I'm embarking on a 12-week program that includes three days of cardio and three days of weight training per week while following a somewhat regimented diet. If you want more details, you can talk to me or just get the book (I got it at half.com for $5 including the shipping). If you click the picture, it will take you to Amazon.

I'm going to keep track of all my workouts and meals, as well as my vitals (weight, hopefully a body fat percentage, energy levels, penis size, etc). Depending on how it goes, I'll post some pictures (not of the penis, however) of the progression. I took one this morning, but we'll see where I'm at come Week 4. The weight training has me a bit worried because it's somewhat intense, but I know I can push through. It should also allow me to return the wildly popular Eternal Stench featured of "What Would Arnie Say?". Yay!

Hacienda

2009-10-27T09:31:00.003-05:00

Caught my first ever Daytrotter show last night. It was also the first time I ever saw a show at a pizza joint - Huckleberry's in the district of Rock Island (even had a slice of pizza. Way overpriced, but acceptable taste). If you've never heard of or checked out Daytrotter, be sure to do so. Especially those of you from the QC area. It's all done in an upstairs studio (above the pizza joint...I think) and the bands that this organization gets is unreal. I mean having a pitch of, "Hey you should stop by the QC and record a few songs that we'll post on our site for free" isn't exactly something that they taught someone in Glengary Glen Ross. But lucky for us, it works. They're getting bands to stop by almost every day to record, and you get a neat write-up on the band along with an abstract sketch. Cool beans. The guy behind it all is Sean Moeller, a QC native and former writer at the QC Times.

Yeah, so, the show. Unfortunately it had to be scheduled for a Monday night. You, as a loyal reader know that Mondays are bowling night for the Eternal Stench homestead. Doubly tough was that I was coming off a previous Monday of some serious rolling, boosting my average, putting the team into 3rd place, and crushing Team Roll in a head-to-head battle for the ages. (Hey, sometimes you can beat an opponent without even rolling a ball. Like Journey sang - "Head Games"). With the early 7:00pm start time of the Daytrotter-sponsored show, I was only able to roll one game. After a workman-like 173, I headed to Rock Island.

How do you really prepare yourself for going to a show at a pizza place? Would it be like the "Buddy Holly" video from Weezer? Would I need to wear a leather jacket over a white tee? (Hmm, now that I mentioned it, you should should check out my guide over at Thunder Matt's to see how to attend one of these shows). Regardless, I went in solo and found that all of the people were sitting at tables, and even though the opener (Corto Maltese) hadn't started yet. The last table was all the way in the back, next to people who brought their GD kids to the show. Kids! I hope they go deaf. Serves the parents right for bringing them to a rock show. Corto Maltese was a decent show (Daytrotter session here), I'd never heard of them, and the price was certainly right. $6 for three bands? Yowzers, that's a steal. Even moreso when I went in with my $6 in hand and could find no one taking cover. Yes, I actively sought out someone taking cover, to no avail. The second band, Sucker, I didn't not care for. The vocals were shoddy, and only their last song, which reminded me of the epic scope band Explosions in the Sky, showed any promise. Hey, like I said, it was a cheap date.

Finally Hacienda came on. These dudes are one of my favorite bands right now. I first saw and heard of them as they were Dan Auerbach's backing band at Lollapalooza this year. The guys are from San Antonio and kind of have a rockabilly/trippy/Beach Boys thing going. It works really well. They're all related (3 brothers and a cousin I think) which must help make them the cohesive band that they are. A guitar, an organ, a bass, and drums. All four sing leads and melody and all are pretty gifted at their respective jobs. Plenty of funny banter between songs as well. Check them out - and their Daytrotter session. I took some video on the flip cam, so when I get around to putting them on YouTube, I'll post the vids here.

What Wasn't Reported

2009-10-18T23:06:00.006-05:00

Yep, the Ol' Gunslinger is still doing what he do, only now up in Minny. Dude has been nothing short of brilliant so far this year. He still has that big gun of an arm, but this year seems to be making less "Favre" throws, choosing instead to make safe throws. Funny how Adrian Peterson can make you look so good (or in Tavaris Jackson's case - so bad).

Sunday was more magic, though the Vikings had to "pull a Bears" by relying on the opposing kicker to miss field goals. Sunday's game seemed much of the same, though through some investigative reporting, I found that it wasn't just the typical choke that Chicago benefited from twice this year. No sir, this was a completely different animal.

"I felt fine warming up, but then something happened when I lined up to kick it. I'm used to seeing people wave both of their arms in attempt to distract me, but this was different. There was a third arm, and I just couldn't concentrate." (K, Baltimore Ravens)

"Look man, this is professional sports, this is not Pop Warner Football. The NFL is not brought to you by Disney. You do whatever you have to do to win the game. I had an idea of what would distract him, and fortunately for us, it worked." (TE, Minnesota Vikings)

After reviewing the film, it did appear as if Shiancoe was waving three arms in an attempt to distract Hauschka. Shaincoe was to to the kicker's right. Perhaps because of that, Hauschka was so intent on looking away (to his left), the struck ball's flight was left all the way. While Hauschka claims that a "third" arm distracted him, some have claimed this statement partially false because Shiancoe was not waving three full-sized arms, simply two conventional arms in conjunction with a baby arm. An effective move, obviously, as not everyone can pull such a maneuver off.

Viking's head coach, Brad Childress, could not be reached for comment. He was too busy looking creepy and wearing a McDonald's drive-thru headset.

.

It Might Get Loud Review

2009-10-13T09:41:00.002-05:00

I finally got to see It Might Get Loud. The hell of it is that I had to drive to Dubuque, IA of all places to see it. Who knew that Dubuque was on the cutting edge of indie films. And before you ask, no, I didn't see any crosses being burnt. At the same time, I didn't see any black people either.

Anyway, you'll have to go over to Thunder Matt's Saloon to read the review. Maybe you can read some other stuff while you're there, too.

Movie Review: 9

2009-09-23T09:44:00.003-05:00

Aaaaaand we're back. I'd love to say that I've been so busy doing awesome stuff that I haven't found time to blog. I'd love to, but that would be a lie. I still plan on finishing the last 2 days of Lollapalooza before the year is out, don't you worry.

Sports watching has been filling my weekends of late. The English Premier League has started, so I try and drag myself out of bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings to catch some games, especially if my team, Arsenal is playing. Also saw some of the Hawks, who have predictably put unneeded stress on my heart. I also went and saw the Bears play in Lambeau Field. Yay!

On the music front, I've been listening to a lot of Delta Spirit, the green album from Weezer, and a lot of a band called Hacienda. I strongly suggest you check these guys out. www.haciendaonline.net

My literary world is still dope as fuck. I happened upon a writer who goes by Leif Enger. He's from a small town in Minnesota (Osakis) but writes some great books. Well, at least the two I've read. Be sure to check out "Peace Like a River" and especially "So Brave, Young and Handsome". Tough to put down.

And that brings us to the title of the post. I haven't been to the movies in ages. I think the last movie I saw in a theatre was The Watchmen, which was disappointing to say the least. I think it was last week while I was watching The Biggest Loser (I'd never even watched one second of that show in the past, literally, not even one second. I decided to watch last week's first episode of the new season, and now I go home and rock in the fetal position waiting for Tuesday at 7 to come so I can watch it. Yeah, I'm a spaz.) that I saw a trailer for 9, the new productionn from Tim Burton. Now would be a good time to watch the trailer.

I'm a sucker for Tim Burton movies. And yes, even the animated ones. Nightmare Before Christmas, James and the Giant Peach, The Corpse Bride, all of them. Each year the computer technology keeps getting better, and these keep looking better and better. 9 is no different. Once I saw the trailer, I just HAD to go see it on the big screen. Unfortunately, no one else shares my excitement. I forced the Missus to watch the trailer while I giddily looked over her shoulder. Let's just say her reaction was one that said "What the fuck did I marry?" Well, the husband is always the wise one.

I don't want to spoil the movie for you, as there really isn't a whole lot going on - it's only about an hour and fifteen minutes. It's kind of like the Terminator series in that man is in serious trouble/doomed/fucked because it made machines too smart, which ended up turning into war creatures bent on taking over the planet. And only 9 little sock creature can save it...or can they?

The only thing I didn't like about this movie was that the main character, 9, is voiced by Elijah Wood. Ugh, will this guy just go away? However, as annoying as he could be, voices provided by John C Reilly, Martin Landau, Jennifer Connelly, Christopher Plummer, and even Crispin Fucking Glover more than made up for it. The movie blazes along at a torrid pace, it's full of action with just enough insightful scenes to keep it from being a GI Joe-like cartoon. I wouldn't say it's a true "kid" movie - it does have a PG-13 rating, most likely due to some intense battle scenes.

If you like this sort of thing, you have to get to the pictures to see this. Even if you are the ONLY PERSON IN THE THEATRE, which I was yesterday. Oh well, a movie all to myself. A movie where no one cared if I stuck my hands down my pants and then smelled my hands to "see how I was doing" down there. You know what I mean, right?

RIP Les Paul

2009-08-29T09:36:00.003-05:00

Yeah, really late on this one. But like the title says, Les Paul passed away. Needless to say the guy was a legend in the music business, pretty much inventing the electric guitar and changing the music industry by inventing effects pedals and the four-track recording. You know how you can tell that he was huge? Even people who don't know guitar know the name Les Paul, most notably for his signature Gibson guitars.

A fitting tribute to the man, here's a video of him and Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap:

Just When You Think You're Awesome...

2009-08-27T09:14:00.003-05:00

...a video like this shows up. My Lord! I know you've probably seen it already, most likely from Wolter over at Thunder Matt's Saloon. Christ on a bike, this certainly is the coolest thing I've seen since, well, I don't know...that one bike video I posted?

Cab Ride From Hell

2009-08-25T17:07:00.003-05:00

Before we get started, let's get the business out of the way. Oh man, I'd read that if I were you. It's so dope and true. OK, we're done with that.

The missus and I descended upon a certain town this weekend to see Pearl Jam at the United Center. A certain city that starts with a "C", ends in an "A", and has has "hicag" in the middle. That's right - Chicago. The City That Never Sleeps. The city that now lays claim to the home of Eternal Stench poster, David St. Hubbins.

We started with a touristy thing - heading to Navy Pier. In all of the times that I've visited The Golden Gate City, I've never been to Navy Pier. We all got a hair in our ass and decided to give it a whirl. Hmm. Lots of boats, even more tourists, a bunch of crappy food vendors, eh. At least you did get a really nice view of the city, and I would like to take the architectural boat tour at some point. But other than that? Meh.

The missus and I decided to take a cab to the United Center. We flagged one down from Lincoln Park, and I told the cabbie to take us to Westend Bar on Madison Street, just a few blocks from the United Center. Dude kind of looked at me funny and then had a far off look. He asked if we should just take Clark Street all the way to Madison. I thought that sounded like an awful slow way, so I just said, "Hey, whatever is fastest." He then decided that he's just punch it in to his GPS. In all my experiences with Chicago cabbies, I've never seen one with a GPS. This guy was clearly a rube.

We set off following his GPS. It took us down neighborhood side streets and to numerous stop signs, but there was no traffic, so it went quite fast. Then we started to get to a more industrial looking part of Chicago as we headed west. The cabby's GPS then told him to turn down a very dubious looking street. Me and the missus kind of looked at each other and were all, "WTF?" as the cabby wondered if he should go that way. The street was full of speed bumps and extremely questionable housing. As we came to one of the speed bumps there was a group of about 8 youths that looked like they were up to no good. As soon as we rolled over the speed bumps, our car was riddled with rocks, including one that hit and chipped the window right by my head. Yeah, turns out we were in CABRINI FUCKING GREEN! As the rocks were being hurled and the cabby was looking shocked and pissed, I suggested that maybe he should "just drive, man". Bastard from a basket! The only solace was that they were rocks and not gun shots, or I'd have been a goner.

When we finally got to the bar, we were relieved. I can't believe I actually paid and tipped the cabby. Needless to say, the beers tasted good in the insanely fucking crowded bar. Obviously all of the bars close to the UC on event nights are packed. We snacked on a delectable bowl of tater tots that almost made me forget the cab ride from hell.

As you can guess, the show fucking slayed, dude. The opening band was Bad Religion. Bad Religion. I guess NOFX wasn't available. Whatever. They actually weren't too bad. But then came Pearl Jam, and I was so excited that I did numbers one, two, and three in my pants. So much energy, so many songs, such good vibes...man. They are one of the best. Our seats were nosebleeds to the extreme, but we could see the entire band and stage, and they had video monitors so you could see some close-ups. Had I been single, I would have gone to the show the next night as well, but since I'm not and I'm all domesticated and now (somewhat) watch my spending, we only went to Sunday's show. So good.

The setlist. Eat your fucking heart out. It was like this was tailor-made for me. Sure I didn't get to hear "Do The Evolution" and the missus didn't get to hear "Better Man", it was still a knock-your-dick-in-the-dirt good show. Until next time, hombres...

Set 1

Encore 1

Encore 2

It's Like Someone Made a Movie Just For Me

2009-08-13T13:26:00.002-05:00

Since I like guitars and I like documentaries, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'll LOVE this film. I hope the Quad Cities gets it so I don't have to wait until it's released on DVD to see it. This trailer alone has given me a nasty case of priapism.

Lollapalooza: Day 1

2009-08-12T19:03:00.010-05:00

Normally I don't believe in superstition. Normally. Just go a few days back, back to Fair Week in Davenport (btw, only went in once, for 15 minutes, yet managed to wolf down two ribeye sandwiches and two ears of sweet corn. Holla that, nigga!). As we sat in my driveway people-watching, I made the remark that "we haven't had any really hot days since early June. Flash forward to Days 2 and 3 at Lollapalooza and I was wishing that I never said such rubbish.

So yes, I once again headed up to Lollapalooza in Chicago's Grant Park. Even before and after paying $190 for my ticket, I knew that this year's festival would be hard pressed to top last year's Murderer's Row of a lineup. Surely you remember that epic recap, right? And some last minute bad news rolled in when we found out that MCA from The Beastie Boys got really selfish and got cancer in his neck, so they had to pull out, only to be replaced by the woefully overrated and underratedly annoying group, The Bleh Bleh Blehs (you may know them by this). Added to that, one of the main headliners was Depeche Mode. Yes, that Depeche Mode. What, was Duran Duran unavailable. Regardless, there were many great bands to be had, so I had to do it. Here we go...

-I once again attended the event with DJ Clover. I drove up early, leaving D-port around 6:30 and seeing a few random drops of rain while being chased by some ominous looking clouds. DJ Clover had to work until noon, so I took the opportunity to check in on my bro's new place up in Lincoln Park. As usual, there's no where to park. Had to bring some stuff up in my truck for DJC, so I had to unload the stuff at bro's place, park, then load it back up again before leaving. Oh, and while I was leaving to head to DJC's, it started raining.

-And rain and rain and rain. Like an absolute dumbass I packed to raincoat. For crying out loud, I must have about 20 emergency ponchos at my pad. Whatever. Me and Deej arrived around 2:30, a bit late for my taste, but at least that was 3 hours we didn't stand in the pouring rain. I would have liked to have seen Manchester Orchestra as well as Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, but alas, we did not. But we did see our first band...

- Bon Iver. Name ring a bell? It should, I reviewed their album that all sorts of hipster publications couldn't stop ejaculating all over. Much like The National last year, I decided to give 'em a try live. I'm like a little kid who gets punched in the balls, hurts and feels miserable, only to have it done again because I didn't learn the first time. I'll say this: as bad as Bon Iver's album is, that steaming piece of dog fudge might just be even worse when heard live.

Here's two thoughts for you Mr. Saddy Pants: a) maybe have a song "go off" when you act like your building up to something. Listening to you was like watching Joe From Cincinnati on HBO - there's a bit of promise but you never get anywhere and you feel dumber for having wasted your life for those minutes. And b) maybe you should have just stayed in that isolated cabin up in Wisconsin. Did I already make that joke? Can't remember. It was funny hearing people say, "God, would this guy just get over with, please?" Sure, there were people enjoying him. They also enjoyed hobbies like watching paint dry and cutting their bodies all over (cutter). Beefkoch Sanders read me the Riot Act when I bashed Bon Iver. And also about The National. It is now that I can say with complete confidence that for a guy with such a "musical pedigree", he has some horrible tastes in music.

- Up next on the main stage next to where Bon Iver played, Ben Folds played. I'll say this about Ben Fold's: I am definitely not steeped in his discography, but I did like most of what I had heard from him (yes, even "Brick". C'mon, that's a decent song!). For some reason, I've always kind of assumed that people looked down on you for liking Ben Folds. Well guess what? Ben Folds and his band put on a great show. The guy was funny, witty, seemingly appreciative of the crowd, and really managed to rock even though he plays the piano. I would definitely recommend seeing him if you haven't. A pleasant surprise.

- Keep in mind it'd been raining all day. At this point I was getting cold (shorts and t-shirt) and getting crunk (24oz cans of beer). We made the decision to get a bite to eat. Namely a gyro. It was hot and delicious, though to be fair, anything hot would have been a welcome sight. Up until that point I had only been getting by on nod-dancing and smoking Winston Lights.

- Caught a bit of Fleet Foxes. Meh. All that five person harmony gets to be a bit much. Especially in a festival setting. Shit! I forgot to rate the shows! Fleet Foxes get a C, but were one point away from a C-. Bon Iver gets a D. Yeah, maybe you were thinking I'd give it an F, well it was bad, but I've heard worse. Ben Folds gets a strong B, but a bit shy of a B+.

- The Decemberists. Sure, there was a time when I liked to slag them. I'll now admit that they're a talented band, but it's that overall air of the milquetoast wallflower that they put off. Look, I'm not saying that you have to be David Lee Roth, but just stop it with your nerdy eccentric ways, kthxbai. It was still raining so perhaps I was a tad delirious and crunked because it seemed like there was 16 people in the band. OK, not really, but damn, there had to have been 8. I must say, it was a good show. My God, the short haired gal that plays percussion and guitar can REALLY sing. She was definitely the highlight of the show and methinks they're a better band with her in it. She really brings a nice new dimension. (suck on that, all you haters that say I don't like female singers) The "lead singer" guy gets a wee bit annoying with that whiny voice. In a disturbing trend, The Decemberists played the entire new album, start to finish, and that was it. Really? Kind of queer. I'll give the show a B.

Hey, Mr. Decemberist: the dude from Blink 182 wants his haircut back

- Wow, the rain was starting to let up. By this point it was just a light mist, but to everyone there it felt like getting a handjob from the sun himself. We saw a bit of Andrew Bird and then did some walking around to check out the far end of the fest that we hadn't been to. Saw a little bit of the DJ tent, though I was leery to because of last year. The first time I ever saw a live DJ was DJ AM and then he got into a plane crash afterwards. Who knows, maybe it was because of me?

- Kings of Leon closed the night down, and I was happy to see them. The rain had finally stopped, we weren't anywhere near the Depeche Mode show going on at the south end of the park, and I was pleasantly jingled. Nah, I was totally wasted on crunk juice. But not too drunk, mind you, because I can still remember how good Kings were. They really play well and sounded great, it was a strong setlist and the crowd was really into it. We went home drunk, tired, still cold, unaware of what tomorrow would bring us. Kings of Leon shall be awarded a grade of: A-

Stay tuned for Day 2 where I delve into my famous fashion critique.

For those curious at home, on Day 1 I wore a yellow B-52s shirt, green shorts and a Nationals hat. Holla that.

.

Props

2009-08-05T09:34:00.002-05:00

My aunt who lives in California makes all kinds of fancy hats. Especially those huge ones that gals wear to horse races. Why the oversized hats? I have no idea. Why are most golf shoes of the saddle variety? Stuff doesn't make sense.

Back to my aunt, she does her job very well as she's able to sell some of these hats to people who have no problem shelling out ridiculous amounts of money for them. This past weekend, it was the opening weekend at the horse track in Del Mar, California, which apparently justifies all types of ricos to show up and make it a Who's-Who event.

Audrina Patridge wore one of her hats, and even Perez Hilton liked it. I guess that's good. And I hope that's the last time I link to Perez Hilton.

Good day, sirs.

.

Wedding Video

2009-08-03T09:02:00.002-05:00

Alright! We've been married for 2-1/2 months now, and our great videographer from the wedding finally got our video to us. Just like most other things that make their living doing stuff for weddings, videography is a complete scam. Unfortunately, I've seen a few wedding videos, and I've yet to see one that couldn't produce the same result if you just bought a nice camera and paid your cousin $100 to film.

75% of the stuff is shot off of a tripod, so where is the "work" there? Look, I realize that you have to show up and hang around a wedding where you know no one. But you know what? If it was fun, they wouldn't call it work. And for anywhere from $750 and up, I think I could man up and spend 4 or 5 hours between a church and a reception where you get a free meal and drinks. Oh, but they have to edit it down and put it on a DVD, right? PLEASE. The editing that goes to work in those films is amateur at best. It's not like you've got Scorsese working the machines.

Here's my real problem with the guy. It's not so much that he blatantly lied when he said he had the video done and then it took like 6 more weeks to get to us, it's that he didn't help a brother out. Maybe the guy isn't married and couldn't grasp the big picture. If that is the case, then he better claim mental retardation, because that's the only viable excuse. Both of our families expressed interest in watching the wedding video with us. All I can say is that THANK GOD THAT THE MISSUS AND I WATCHED IT FIRST.

I was mic'd up for the ceremony. I had a little receiver in my breast pocket and a mic clipped on my tuxedo lapel. This makes sense. He had two cameras stationed throughout the church and this way he could always pick up the audio at the altar. Everything was fine there. I think I uttered an "I'm almost crying" when my cousin started tearing up, but that was the worst of it. We also got all the audio from when we dismissed the people in attendance, which was neat, and thankfully, I didn't utter anything negative when they left. At this point, the dude should have taken the mic back.

The only part of the wedding that didn't go so hot was when we first got to the reception. We really wanted to have a song playing as we were introduced, and for reasons I'm not quite sure, it didn't happen. No big deal, but it was something that added to our stress. The ceremony and pictures after the wedding took way longer than we thought, so we were running about 45 minutes behind schedule. Normally, who cares, right? But in this case, time is money, and we didn't want to have to pay our photographer extra money if we didn't have to. (And the photographer didn't seem really keen on staying later, so he kept pushing as well) So we were rushed to cut the cake, we didn't know what we were supposed to do, and I kind of snapped a bit at my new wife. No big deal except I STILL HAD THE MIC ON!!

Had that been the only slip-up, I could have lived with it, but it was not to be. When we got around to eating, everyone was putting pressure on us to "do this" and "do that". Kristie was getting frustrated and I was as well. The photographer kept asking when the speech was going to be and my brother was informing me that he couldn't do it unless his helper was there. At this point, I lost it. I wanted the formalities to be over so I could just relax, drink, and most importantly, enjoy our wedding. And this was the time that Mr. Microphone reared his ugly head once again.

Me: "Why is the phone dead? No, Jim, MY phone isn't dead. Let's get the show on the road. I don't fucking care, just get on with it. Jesus Christ."

Kristie: "Good Lord. What the fuck?"

And it might have been a bit worse, I can't recall.

Regardless, we got through it, and everything went better than we ever could have wished for. However, I can't really sit and watch this with my family or her family now, can I! Wouldn't you think this mutant camera guy would have thought to himself, "Wow, I bet they don't want to have this language on there. I wonder if I should just cut the audio there? Hmm, maybe I should call and ask them." Yeah, dick, maybe you should have! Oh my God.

Now I'M the one that has to try and edit that out. What a fiasco. Bottom line is this: videography is a racket. Have a friend do it for you. It will be way cheaper and better. If you must get a professional, at least call me first so I can make sure you didn't get the slovenly dingbat that we had.

I love my wife.

Exclamations!

2009-07-22T14:58:00.003-05:00

Just finished reading "Midnight Riders: The Story of The Allman Brothers"! I fully endorse this book! Right up there with the best rock and roll biographies!

Did some more business over at The Saloon, tackling the riveting subject of the game of Cornhole! Don't worry, unlike Buffalo, Iowa's version, mine is completely safe for work and doesn't violate any sodomy laws!

Speaking of Thunder Matt's Saloon, you can follow us (them) on Twitter! Tweet tweet skeet! When you think about it, Twitter is lame, yo!

The Mississippi Valley Fair will soon be upon us! That got me thinking, does anyone else remember Mild Blend playing a cover of "Jessica" at the beer pavilion?!?! Ryan Peterson said no, but also admits he was out for 3 or 4 years! Someone please confirm! Call Mike Blanchard if you must!

The Tour de France has been great! One of the best in recent memory! Lance! Contador! Schleck! Wiggins! Hushovd! No more Boonen! Cavendish! Cancellara!

I Might Have Gotten Pregnant at Blitzen Trapper

2009-07-19T19:33:00.005-05:00

What: A night of music and irony

Who: Blitzen Trapper w/ guest Loch Lomond

When: 7-18-09

Where: The Picador, Iowa City

Well color me indie, because I was all over this one when I saw it posted a few months back. If you haven't listened to them, do it now. JC, what a great band. And even more exciting, they're one of the few bands that hipster-douchemouth Bitchfork Media likes that doesn't cause you to start a "cutting" habit for yourself or stick a gun in your mouth. If that's your thing, maybe Blitzen Trapper isn't for you. You should stick to a steady diet of Bon Iver, Iron & Wine, The National, etc.

If The Picador doesn't ring a bell, it's the bar formerly known as Gabe's. Even though it has a nice and fancy sign (and it's illuminated to boot), it still has all of the "charm" of Gabes: grimy, horrible bathroom, and most importantly, an emphasis on PBR cans and bottles of Grain Belt. Is it another example of ironic products that are all the rage today? I don't know, but "ironic style" was certainly at the forefront. More on that later.

The opener was, like Blitzen Trapper, a band out of Portland, Oregon. If we're going to go ahead and keep stereotyping here, then let's say they fit the model for what you think of when you imagine what a Portland band would look like. A lot of facial hair, greasy hair, straight legged indigo blue jeans, shirts that were two sizes too small, androgynous lead singer (ok, doesn't fit the stereotype, but had to be mentioned), emo glasses. And while I can't be positive, I'd wager that 75% of the band (which was like 8 people) are vegetarians and own a large portion of Birkenstock sandals.

The band wasn't bad, though they sounded like they were an accordion away from being a full-blown Decemberists ripoff. The drummer stands the whole time and doesn't have a kick drum. Initially I thought it was a lame idea, but he really made his presence known and it worked out splendidly. The entire band were all capable of playing multiple instruments, ranging from guitar, oboe, xylophone, violin, viola, bass, electric and acoustic guitars, and probably some others. One thing they had going for them, I was pretty gacked out for their set, which I think was only about 30 minutes.

It also warrants mentioning that there seemed to be a large number of people drinking Olde English out of 40oz bottles. I didn't see these advertised, but I also didn't seek them out. Kind of strange, right? 40s at an indie show - a drink usually associated and popularized by the gansta rap genre? Kind of ironic, no?

Blitzen Trapper then came out. As the buzz was wearing off, so was the desensation of my crotch, and I was thankful that the light level was low, as I had to hide a chub in giddy anticipation. They started out with my favorite song "Sleepytime in the Western World", here done with an a capella intro. It was a nice omen. The band sounded amazing, if a bit loud, which is typical for Gabe's, I mean The Picador, or "the concrete box", that a member of Loch Lomond allegedly called it. The band never let up, going through most of their most recent album "Furr", while also drawing from some of their previous EPs.

Blitzen Trapper was a melting pot of personalities, and I guess weren't fitting of the Portland stereotype. The lead singer looked like a rocker: longish hair, decent looking, lots of stage presence. The second guitar player looked like Napoleon Dynamite and was dripping with the ironic look. He sported some computer programmer glasses complete with a sport band, he had longish, red hair that was damn near an afro. Though it probably isn't true, he looks like the type of guy who you just know reeks like BO and ass. Great voice though. Guitar player two looked like a skateboarder and laid down some nasty guitar licks and fucked around on some sort of synthesizer. Dude was badass. The organ player and bass player were fairly nondescript and fit the Portland look. The drummer was gonzo Portland, sporting a HUGE beard, and beating the shit out of his kit while still provided soft vocal harmonies.

GREAT fucking band and a GREAT fucking show. If I had one complaint, it was that they played most of their "big" songs at the beginning. But of course that's extremely subjective, so take it for what it's worth. If you get the chance, make sure to see these guys. And bring some irony.

RIP Arturo Gatti

2009-07-11T17:58:00.005-05:00

Arturo Gatti: 4/15/72 - 7/11/09

All bullshit aside that usually spews forth from my mind and my fingers on this funny blog, it's sad to say that my favorite boxer of all time, Arturo Gatti, is dead. Not much is known other than that he was found dead in a hotel room in Brazil, and foul play is suspected.

In many ways, Gatti was the real life version of Rocky. His popularity was absolutely due to his tremendous punching power and his penchant for taking brutal and bloody beatings. His legendary trilogy of fights with Mickey Ward are widely considered to be some of the most entertaining fights of all time. Although considered a brawler, Gatti actually had great success in the ring, holding the Superfeatherweight title early in his career.

After losing his title, many said that he lost his focus on fighting, and resorted to brawling. From a boxing standpoint, it was not a great decision, but to public opinion, his brawling and bloody style earned him numerous "Fight of the Year" awards from Ring Magazine. Need more proof? Check out this highlight film. And here's another tribute.

He retired a few years back with a career record of 40 wins and 9 losses, with 31 KOs.

Thunder, you will be missed.

.

2009 Tour de France Preview

2009-07-03T09:41:00.008-05:00

Oh yeah, niggas, it's that time again. It's time for the most grueling sporting event known to man - The Tour de France. Spandex, sweat, burnt skin, bloody crashes, saddle sores, drugs, you name it, it's all here. The big race starts this Saturday the fourth, and you can catch all the action on Versus (formerly OLN). Those that know me will tell you how serious I get into this. I abstain from any talk radio so I don't have results spoiled. When I'm at home, the wife be damned, from 7-10pm the channel doesn't leave Versus. By the end of the event, I'm actually speaking to family, friends, and people at work like a nasty hybrid of race commentators Paul Sherrwin and Phil Liggett.

Don't expect some sort of explanation of the race, we're past that point. It's a race, the fastest guys wins. If you still need more of an explanation, then just wiki it and stop wasting my time.

OK! Onto the race predictions. I'm so fucking stoked to get to this part. Apparently, my past previews have garnered some attention in the media and have been seen by some of the sport's elite riders. While I do consider myself to be a top notch cyclist specializing in tactical time trials, I don't consider myself to be an elite prognosticator. If that were the case, the Schlecks would currently be reaping more glory than 12 year old in a Turkish Bath House. That being said, I have (somewhat reluctantly) enlisted some help on this preview. After repeated phone calls where the conversation pace would go from crawling to blistering in the sniff of a nose, Team Quick Step rider, Tom Boonen has muscled his way in. He'll be adding comments where he deems necessary.

The Sprinters (The Green Jersey)

Ah, the underrated portion of the Tour. They put a nice exclamation and level of excitement at the end of the long, flat, and often boring stages. Teamwork is key, with the lesser teammates leading out a sprint at the finish which looks akin to kicking open a hornet's nest. These guys are the rock stars of the peloton. To be involved in that mass sprint at the end you've got to have some huge balls. And then you've got to have stretchy enough spandex to hold those melons in. Here's some favorites to watch:

Mark Cavendish(pictured) - the British sensation really showed some things last year when he burst onto the scene. Dude has CRAZY finishing speed and a great instinct for when to pounce. I'm saying this guy is the favorite to be wearing the green sprinter's jersey on the final podium in Paris. He might just have worn it last year of he hadn't withdrawn mid-Tour to focus on the Olympics.

Oscar Freire - winner of the green jersey last year and a three time world champion for road cycling. He's always in the mix and typically does well on long, straight sprints.

Tom Boonen - Yes! Our own collaborator! Tom has been under heavy scrutiny the last few years. Never for his cycling. His combination of speed and power always has him in the thick of things, and his good looks and rock star aura make him a fan favorite. About that rock star part...Tom didn't race in the Tour last year because he tested positive for blow. Shockingly, he did again this April. His excuse? He gets so wasted that he doesn't remember doing it. What? Incredibly, a court has heard his appeal, and has decided to let him race this year.

Robbie McEwen - the old Aussie just hangs around, and keeps coming at you, never allowing you to forget that he's there. In many respects, he's a lot like genital herpes in that way. "Oh, hello there! I'd forgotten you!" I don't know how he does it, but every year it seems like he's blocked out of the final sprint, yet he somehow wills his way through an opening that isn't there, and wins a stage. He'll also give you some great soundbites. And I hear he bakes a mean pumpernickel bread.

Others to watch for: Danny Benati, Thor Hushovd, Tyler Farrar

Tom Boonen's Take: You fucking asshole, everyone knows I'm the man. Have you seen my bike? Have you seen these legs? Why do you think the call me The Tornado? Do you know anything about cycling? How could you use a picture where he's beating me? You know what he did? He threw some yayo at me and I couldn't see, that's why I failed those drug tests! I think all you are is a dumb fucking Swede. Hey, pass me another Delirium Tremens, bitta. Danke. And let me tell you something: I'll be wearing the green jersey! No one can stop me, not even the French judicial system!

My Take: Cavendish all day, with Tootin' Tommy and Hushovd vying for second.

The Climbers (Polka Dot Jersey)

These guys should be the most dramatic part of the race. The problem is, so many King of the Mountain points are doled out on early and intermediate climbs that the big contenders are generally not up for this jersey. Sure, there have been rare occasions, but with how it's set up, there are many climbers who specialize in just going for this jersey, thereby grabbing their team some media exposure. There's no doubt in my mind that the mountains are the most fun stages to watch. It's an absolute Suffer Fest, kind of like watching a Radiohead show. Watch for these dudes:

Alberto Contador - really, you have to start here. He's the best climber in the race and probably the smart money's pick to win the whole race. But when it comes to just climbing, he's a joy to watch. You have to love a guy who has the talent and is also nasty about it. Aggression is his key, and the guy can just be relentless. Atack, attack, attack. But perhaps his tactics will change given his overall ambitions? I say no way.

Mauicio Soler (pictured) - born to farmers in the mountains of Columbia, all Soler cares about is climbing. He's a former KoM winner, and was unable to dend his jersey last year due to injury. He's back this year, and it will be a joy to see the slight man fluttering like a butterfly up the mountain.

Tom's Take: "Hey, did you say he's from Columbia? Do you think, uh, he could maybe bring some, uh, 'Columbian Marching Powder' over to France?"

Andy Schleck - I make no secrets, this guy is my favorite. He's young, he's aggressive, he's fiercely loyal to his brother and Saxo Bank teammate, Frank. He's a joy to watch, a herky-jerky mess of legs and arms flying up the mountain. Last year he led up teammate and eventual winner Carlos Sastre on l'Alpe d'Huez, one of the sports most grueling climbs.

Others to wath for: Carlos Sastre, any of the Basque riders, maybe Lance Armstrong

Tom's Take #2: "Dude, seriously? This Chimay is the best beer in the world. Shit is over 10% ABV, duuuude! Man, I'm starting to get wasted. Mountains? Fuck those things. Gotta keep my ass going so I can stay in the race for more sprints. BULLSHIT! Those guys are all on EPO. To hell with them, and to hell with my former teammate, Mr. Lancey Pants (BELCH!), he's not so special. I'll tub-thump his ass like a Chumbawumba soldier! Print it!"

My Take: Soler because it's all he's focusing on.

The Time Trialists

A race against the clock, there are no other riders next to you. It's just you, your support car, you heartrate monitor, and maybe a bottle of water. And maybe a million some people looking at you on the course or on TV. There is no coasting, there are no bathroom breaks. Shut up and pedal as hard as you can. These guys do it best:

Fabian Cancellara - The Swiss Time Machine. Dude HAULS some serious ass on TTs. Olympic champion, World TT Champion many times, National Champion, you get the point. In a pure TT, and especially one that is early in the race, he is the unquestioned favorite, even beating out Lance in Prologues (a short TT) when Armstrong was at the top of his game.

Levi Leipheimer - him and his balding pate has always been strong in this discipline, even winning a TdF individual time trial in 2007. He's always at or near the top, but here at this Tour, if he's going to do a supplementary role, I don't see him having the legs to win it.

Lance Armstrong - it's so easy to doubt him. He's like 38, hasn't been here in a few years, has put on some excess weight, and he might be riding in a support capacity (no fucking way). Even so, the man MUST be respected in this discipline, just look at his track record - 11 TT or Prologue wins at the TdF.

Alberto Contador - hmm, prove it to me. Prove it when you're in a stacked race that you're an elite TT. Then I'll believe. As big as the Giro and the Vuelta are, they ain't the TdF. This is the big stage.

David Zabriskie (pictured) - The Dark Horse. Let's get it out of the way: I'm saying Zabriskie takes the yellow jersey after winning the opening TT stage. He's done it before, even beating Lance, and he's been on the podium for the World TT Championships before (a 2nd and a 3rd). Not to mention he rides a rape-ass Felt DA time trial bike (I ride Felts), and his win over Armstrong at the Tour was the fastest ever recorded. Boom!

Also watch for: Gustav Larrson (Swede!!), Michael Rogers, Brad Wiggins

Tom Take: ....Tom?....Tom?!.....TOM!!..."Huh? Oh, yesss, ssssorrry abouts that. Um, I'd say Eddie Merccx is the best rider ever." Tom, we were talking about time trialists. "Yeah, TTssss are for the birdsss. Whass racing if there's no ones out there againssst you? I'm a fucking World Champion on the road course. THE ROAD COURSE, you m-f'er! But I'd probably put my kronen on The Swiss Misssss...(belch)....uh oh...(belch/puke)...."

My Take: I already said - Zabriskie

The Contenders

Alberto Contador (pictured) - the best climber, a rapidly improving time-trialist, a star studded team capable of giving unheard of support (can you imagine having a support group of Lance, Levi, Kloden, Noval, Popovych, and Rubiera?). The only guy that could beat him is Lance, but that looks tough for Lance. Contador couldn't race last year b/c his team was banned. All he's done since winning the '07 Tour is win the Vuelta AND the Giro. Yep, that's all three of the Grand Tours, putting him in the Merccx category, one that Lance will never see. The only doubt is how and who the team will work for: the smart money's pick (Contador) or the Don of the team and that one that pays the bills (Lance)?

Lance Armstrong - oh Lancey, you came and you found me a turkey, on my vacation away from worky. I don't know what to say here. 7 TdF victories, unbridled competitiveness, endless amount of swagger, crazy physical skills, heartwarming comeback story, most (and especially the TV) want him to win. Is he too old? Will he work for Contador or Leipheimer? He said the race will dictate that. Yeah, dude is racing for himself, and why wouldn't he? He paid his dues as a domestique years ago. Do you ask BB King to play rhythm guitar for you? The only negative I could see is that the team could get distracted or break among allegiances, which could be counterproductive. Tough to see that happening under Bruyneel, but still.

Cadel Evans - How pissed does this guy have to be? He probably should have at least one and maybe two victories here right now. A team that's more focused on sprinting and then a bad crash last year have left him playing shoulda-coulda-woulda. I think he's got an outside shot, and only if he turned in a monster second TT.

Andy Scleck - my man, my man. He's got the team and coach, he's got the moxie, but he doesn't have the TT skills to be a legit threat in the Overall Classification. His only hope would be to limit his losses in the TTs to maybe 3 or 4 minutes, but even that would be a tall task, not to mention one to have to overcome in the mountains. I'd say he's a few years away.

Denny Menchov - oh Denis, you put too much into the Giro. Impressive, that gives you two victories in the Grand Tours (also has won The Vuelta). But going so hard in Italy while the other GC contenders were pacing back a bit, it will be your downfall. You are solid on the TTs, but just ho-hum on the climbs, and you have just a decent support crew.

Also look for: Levi Leipheimer if things go bad for Lance and Contador, Christian VanDeVelde, Carlos Sastre. I know Carlos is the defending champ, but he won against a depleted field and he had a strong team. This year, it's a strong field and his team is weak.

Tom's Take: "....zzzzzzz.....zzzzzzzz.....huh? Yeah, evvyone knows that Lansh will win. He's too stronnnn. I'm draggin ass like Botero in '04. Mind if I do a bump? C'mon just one liddelll rail. (Sniff, sniff!) HEY! Eeeeeyayyyyeah!! OhmanIcan'tWaitforTheTourtostart I'mgonnadosogoodI'mgonnabeatallthoseguysofftheline andI'mgonnawearthegreenjersey andi'mgonnabonelotsofrandomassandpartyliketheholocaustishereagain! HAAAA!!!! (zonk)...zzzz.....zzzzz......"

My Take: Ah, Geez. The hell with it. Lance is going to win. he is the sport, the Tour wants him to win because he brings in the bucks. There is no way he rides in support at The Tour. Like I said, this isn't the fucking Giro or the Vuelta that no one is watching. This is the big time, and right or wrong, Lance is built for the big time. As much as I'd like to see Schelck win it, he's not strong enough in all disciplines yet. And poor Cadel, he never did anything wrong other than be on a team that isn't built to help him succeed.

I see this as being one of the most exciting Tours. The course is laid out so that there should be 5 guys all within striking distance going into the final TT and then a summit finish on the famed Mont Ventoux. Boner stuff, people. Boner stuff. I'm out, I just gotta puncture Tornado Tom's breastplate with this needle full of adrenaline. Adios and BETTER NOT BRING YO KEEEEDS!!!!

Freedom Ain't Free

2009-06-30T13:02:00.003-05:00

Catchy title, ain't it? I just came up with that. You know, being that it's the Fourth of July week. Amazing that no one else has ever come up with that. It's a shame really. I mean, if we're going to celebrate our victory over all of those Southern hillbillies back in the 1850's, people should really step they game up.

No real reason to post today, just wanted to think out loud. Been really into a band called Blitzen Trapper recently. Some blokes by way of Oregon, which probably mean that they have bad tattoos, ride longboard sk8boards, and smell like BO. Regardless, maybe check them out of you like guitary bands that kind of have choruses that are Beatles-esque.

Coming later this week: my third (fourth?) Tour de France preview. Yes, Le Gran Boucle starts up this Saturday, which means I have to shake the cobwebs free from a night of hard boot-drinking antics at my dad's party to wathc the opening Prologue. Be sure to check my piece out, as the ones from year's past have proven strikingly accurate. And by accurate I mean that the guy I always cheer for ends up losing.

In other news, I bought a branding iron for wood projects. Makes it real official-like. Now I guess I must actually DO some woodworking projects. I need to get going on some wood bowls. I lost a pear tree in my yard to a recent windstorm, and I saved the trunk, so I expect nothing short of awesome coming from that.

So you want to be a landlord? Ever try renting a place out? It's awesome, trust me. Nothing like getting over 20 phone calls a day to make you try and stay on an even keel. Hey, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Just like autoerotic asphyxiation.

Super Heady, Brah

2009-06-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

Did some more business over at Thunder Matt's Saloon. Yes, it's ANOTHER Summer Games piece. Probably not as epic as the horseshoe piece, but what can I say? Disc golf is not as good as horseshoes. But it's still fun.

Quick Fact #1: Did you know that there are 14 disc golf courses within a 20 mile drive from Davenport?

Quick Fact #2: At one point in the 80's, I held the Bent Arm Hang record for one of the grades at Jackson Elementary School. This despite being unable to do one pull-up.

If anyone wants to go see Umphrey's McGee with me at The Capitol Theatre on July 16th, hit me up. Tickets are only $20. Perhaps we could get a round of disc golf in before the show and then eat some organic bread and hummus.

W-W-W-WHAT?!?!

2009-06-23T14:18:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to post this video forever. I originally saw it over at BikeSnobNYC. I'm not even a big fan of these highlight films of tricks and whatnot, but this one HAS to be watched. If nothing else, just watch the first 60-90 seconds and see the trick that this dude pulls off. Brohan must have nuts the size of casaba melons.

The only trick that I've done that even comes remotely close to this was one that I pulled off in either 2003 or 2004. Not that many people can do it, because it's almost requires a perfect storm. Maybe you know what I'm talking about? It's the old "ride a road bike on the bike path in the fall, after the ground is leaf-covered and has just been rained on, and you take a corner too fast and your tires slide on the slimy leaves and you can't bail because you're riding on clip-in pedals and you land on your hip and shoulder, wincing in pain as two very attractive 20-something women just HAPPEN to be jogging by as you act like Peter from Family Guy." Y'know, that old trick.

QC Tri

2009-06-22T09:17:00.002-05:00

6/20/09 - West Lake Park, Davenpizzle, IA

It happened. Despite my best efforts, Matt Roll put the smack down and whooped me something awful in the race. The pride of having my wife there to watch wasn't enough, the surprise of seeing my brother actually show up to watch one of my races (I think I've done almost 20) didn't help. Dude rolled me up by over five minutes.

Listen, maybe all of you can take this as a lesson: being good looking will only get you so far in life. Now I just mope around the house, feeling sorry for myself, searching for reasons to even get out of bed. It affected me so badly that I was only able to win three out of five games last night in the annual Swanson Father's Day Horseshoe Tourney.

Full results can be found here, if you're into that type of thing. Matt is in the 1:35 area while I'm in the 1:41 region (my slowest QCT ever). It still stings me pretty bad looking at them, though not as bad as the hurt I get when driving by Matt's house, where he has a 15' x 75' banner adorned atop his house that reads "ROLL > SWANSON", all while having a continuous loop of Radiohead played over and over. Could anything be more disheartening?

I don't know, maybe I'll blog some more sometime later in the year, maybe even post a few tear-soaked pictures. For now (and the next 3 months), I just plan on laying in bed all day and eating Fig Newtons.

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Tri Pics

2009-06-18T12:29:00.002-05:00

Here's a few more. Pigman Sprint Triathlon in Palo, IA 6/7/09

Mo Stuff

2009-06-18T08:12:00.003-05:00

I forgot to mention that I also did a piece on horseshoes over at TMS the other day. Kind of a rehash of an old one I did here, but whatever. Just read it. And then comment like wild. Tell Chaim Witz that he's just pissed because his dad still pulls more tail than him.

When you're over there, also be sure to vote on the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale. It's starting to get down to the nitty gritty. Your vote counts!

With that, I leave you with a picture from a triathlon I did in Palo, IA a few weeks back. Notice the barrel chest and slight nippage. It's hard work looking that good.

Screw You, Creepo!

2009-06-16T19:25:00.005-05:00

The humid weather and rain are back. I love the humidity, but I could do without the rain. I guess you can't have the muggy weather without the precipitation though. When you put them both together, you get a recipe for severe grass growing. You take the good (in my opinion) with the bad.

Tonight I was out mowing the lawn, minding my own business, chatting with the neighbors, turning down a cold can of Miller Lite (triathlon training!), not wearing a shirt. You know, the usual. So as I'm out on the John Deere tractor, I get near the boulevard by the intersection. Some old dude is driving a new yellow Mustang convertible and motioning at me and trying to say something. Looking to avoid a nuisance, I just give a half hearted wave. But the old creep keeps pointing and saying something. At this point I'm thinking that maybe something is wrong, so I shut the blades off, but I still couldn't hear him. Annoyed, I shut the whole operation down. Then an exchange started.

Creepo: That's against the law, don't you know that?
Me: What?
Creepo: It's against the law to have the plastic throw guide removed from the mower deck!
Me: Well, I did not know that. (At this point, I'm pissed that I didn't just ignore him from the start)
Creepo: I worked for John Deere and we were in court for five years over lawsuits!
Me: (didn't say anything, kind of gave him the "ok, sounds good" look)
Creepo: It's because of people like YOU that we went to court because the mowers were throwing rocks!

Now I'm thinking of what to do next. Clearly this guy had some issues. One, he was an asshole. Who the fuck stops in the road to tell someone how to mow a lawn. YOU DON'T TELL ANOTHER MAN HOW TO MOW HIS LAWN! Secondly, what kind of munch drives a yellow convertible sports car? Let alone a guy his age! Thirdly, fuck him.

So what do I do? The easy thing would have been to either ignore him completely or tell him to pack sand and fuck off. Problem is, ignoring him isn't any fun. And telling him to fuck off is kind of lame. It's almost like admitting defeat because you can't think of anything else. I decided to lather some sarcasm on his geriatric ass.

Me: Golly! I hope no one is gonna call the cops on me! (Arrogantly start the tractor back up)
Creepo: (scowls, flips me the bird as a car behind him is honking because the light is green)
Me: Ahahahahaha! (over-the-top, arrogant laughing)

Final Verdict: Me 1, Creepo 0.

Suck on that you old fucking coot. I have no time for munches like you.

Cosa Nostra

2009-06-12T11:07:00.002-05:00

Goddamn it (note the correct spelling)! It's official - I am addicted to Mafia Wars on Facebook. I feel like an absolute tool even typing that. I can remember chastising a friend (whom for reasons of anonymity, I'll call "N. Robinso") for always playing it. Every time I logged into Facebook, I'd see some laundry list of stuff N. Robinso did on Mafia Wars, and I'd get countless requests to join various mafias.

Much like I've heard is the case with heroin, even one hit can lead to horrible things. Now I do it forst thing when I get up, throughout various times during the day, and before I go to bed. Now I'm the a-hole sending out Mafia Wars invites, hoping and praying I can get a few more people in my Mafia so that I can have an easier time graduating to "Hitman" status. I am so ashamed, yet I can't stop. From a friends suggestion, I even went to the Mafia Wars fan page and just started adding friends so I could get them to join my Mafia. Now when I forget to "unfriend" them, I get random IMs saying "Hay Bro! WZZP?" or even just "Bro!". Jeepers creepers.

I need help. That's all. Plain and simple. Well, no, actually I need 5 more Mafia members, a cue ball and an eight ball, a Jack of Clubs, most of the poker chip collection, um, a few more mega-casinos, and who knows, maybe I'll try the newly introduced Cuban Mission on Mafia Wars.

Yo Traigo El Fuego

2009-06-09T13:43:00.005-05:00

Man, I'm on fire for posting lately. The Married Man is a Goddamn machine! (As an aside, I hate it when people spell it "goddamm") Not only is it totally on here, but over at The Saloon as well. Today I continued my assault on backyard summer games.

I actually got three (!) emails concerning my post yesterday about everyone's favorite melancholy munch, Bon Iver. One favorable and two to bash me. Such is life. And what a truly sad life it would be if we could only listen to Bon Iver.

Please people, stop talking to me about The Hold Steady. Where were you 4 or 5 years ago? Yes, they're a somewhat solid, if not overhyped band. Yes, they would be great if they didn't have an awful lead singer. Yes, I know they sound just like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Yes, I know that 40% of the band looks like that dude from 30 Rock.

Also, I've come to find out that you can't write anything disparaging about MLB journeyman, Chad Cordero without getting a cease and desist order from his dad. Is that funny? Sad? Pathetic? Who's to say?

Album Review: Bon Iver - "For Emma, Forever Ago"

2009-06-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Fewer things in life are much more disappointing than the Bon Iver album, "For Emma, Forever Ago". What a downer that thing is. I would have thought that since the band's name came from watching Northern Exposure, one of my all-time favs, it would be fun and upbeat. Instead, it's like the soundtrack to an impending suicide.

I wish I had another set of hands, so I could give it a rating of FOUR THUMBS DOWN. Maybe it will be better live, as I'm seeing Bon Iver in August. Maybe it will be better. I'd had similar hopes last year for The National. What a steaming piece of dog fudge that band is.

Hey, I Got Married!

2009-06-05T10:43:00.004-05:00

Yes, she is now my wife. And now she'll be known on this blog as The Wife instead of The Missus. It was a great wedding, a little crowded, but I guess that is better than the alternative. It seemed that all had a great time, as was evidenced by the large quantities of beer and wine consumed. Thanks to all who came and/or wished us well. I'm trying to have my Thank You Cards done by this weekend.

We honeymooned in Cancun, Mexico at an all-inclusive resort call The Riu Palace Las Americas. I'm not sure how to say "da bomb" in Spanish, but I'm going to guess and call it "la bomba". Best place ever, man. So relaxing, so elegant, such great food and drinks, no one hassling you - it was just what we needed. It's easy to say now, but my how mentally worn out a wedding gets you. The Sunday after I was running on fumes. As Michael Keaton put it in Mr. Mom:

My brain is like oatmeal right now. I yelled at Kenny today for coloring outside of the lines. Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows...and I'm LIKING it. I'm losin' it!"

Highlights in a SFW version include a steak and lobster dinner aboard a pirate ship, sailing on our own catamaran, watching FC Barcelona win the Champion's League, long walks on the beach every morning (aww!), the swim-up bar, winning a bocce ball tourney, meeting other people. Sucks being back to work now.

And back to work I am! I finally wrote another post over at The Saloon. There's some good stuff going on over there. Look for me to get back to weekly posts. Check it out! Hasta luego.

Oh, Hi There!

2009-05-18T16:17:00.005-05:00

Most of you know that I'm getting married really soon. This weekend to be exact. It's hard to forget, especially when you're the one getting married. It's not just your internal clock that keeps reminding you. It's also the seeming bajillion things that all crash at once. Little, stupid, piddly stuff that you never anticipated. Then, of course, you've got Wedding Guy. It's different people, but in the end they all seem like the same guy. "Hey! Are you ready for all of this?" "You getting cold feet? Hahaha!" "Hey man, you've still got time!"

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want this any other way, but I'd have to say that I was a bit unprepared for all of this stress. It never ever bothered me up until last week. I guess that's when it really sets in. Of course, The Missus has been dealing with the stress for sometime now. Here's what you have to look forward to. For those of you married folk, treat it as a trip down Mammory Lane...er, uh, Memory Lane.

- Whenever I REALLY think about the ceremony, it feels like I really have to poop.

- Whenever my phone rings (which is ALL THE FUCKING TIME), I get really edgy and jumpy, immediately anticipating something painful.

- I'm trying like a bastard to get back in the 160's, but with all the bachelor parties and wedding showers, you end up consuming even more beer and foodstuffs than you normally would. Also related, and a double edged sword, you find that you can only truly relax and get the wedding off your mind when you consume large amounts of alcoholic beverages.

- This is no shit. Up until last week, I can't even tell you the last time that I had a dream that I remember, let alone a normal or weird one. Now every night I have some sort of f'd up dream. I had one where my work went out of business, but I just kept showing up. I've had quite a few where I get propositioned for sexual intercourse (from women, goddamnit!) and I end up in arguments about what being married means. (These harlots in your dreams have a real lack of morals) To top it all off, I had a dream that The Missus and I were only able to communicate in a language that only we could understand, and we were frustrated to no end with being unable to convey to people what we were talking about.

- It is inevitable that your job will get super busy as the wedding gets closer. God help you if you run your own business. I'd just close it down.

- You begin to make questionable decisions like playing Mafia Wars on Facebook, you listen to The String Cheese Incident ad nauseam, you start watching the NHL and prepaying for minutes at a tanning bed. You are the voice inside your head, you are becoming the guy you never wanted to be.

- The pressure will put you in a similar state that Roger Maris faced when he was chasing Babe Ruth's single season home run record. Even complete with hairloss. (Note: author may have had a preexisting condition)

- Attempting to train for a triathlon is probably not the wisest decision. I frequently like to joke that "I hope I just finish!", but now that is actually the case. Will I actually be able to finish? As of today, number of outside bike rides: one, number of outdoor runs over 1.5 miles: one. My only saving grace is that I'll be able to get in a full week of undistracted training during my honeymoon. Riiiight.

I'm out.

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Endorsements

2009-05-04T12:52:00.003-05:00

I know, it's rare that I even post an article, but even rarer is the day that I dole out an endorsement. If you love reading cynical stuff, and you like bicycling, then you'll like Bike Snob NYC. That's all I have to say. If you don't like bikes, then don't tell me that it's a gay site. You've been warned.

Today's cantankerous attitude can be blamed on the fact that my bachelor party was Saturday. As was beautifully pointed out to me today via email, "Hangovers get even worse when you're on the wrong side of 30." Well said, Chaim Witz, you wily SOB. You're like a younger and more pale version of Obi Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness years).

Luckeeee

2009-04-27T08:42:00.002-05:00

Stop saying that I never write anymore.

If you have Mage's number, give him a call and tell him it's more apropos to wear Bulls stuff to a Bulls game, not Hawkeye garb. So jealous.

State of the Union

2009-04-12T17:58:00.000-05:00

Busy doing wedding stuff, natch. Wedding showers - whoever invented those should be punched in the nuts. It makes no sense. Pressure a bunch of people to give you gifts for the shower AND the wedding? That's a bunch of bull. Thankfully, I'm taking advantage of my maleness, and I only have to attend about half of them. This goddamn wedding can't get here fast enough.

I promise that this weekend I shall finish the vacation recap. I'll do one big push and get all of the remaining days at once.

In the meantime, here's an old column that I'll rehash: State of the Union

Music: still revisiting old Zeppelin stuff. JC, what a band they were! I mean, I always knew they were great, but when you listen to all of their stuff, wow. It's no wonder I'm so skeptical on newer music...how in the hell do you live up to that? Also checking out Drive-by Truckers. Really cool band, and one that I feel I should see live for a greater appreciation.

TV: I wish. I still haven't seen more than 3 innings of a Cub game this year. I can't even tell you the last time I saw a Bulls game. Unfortunately, when I do see live TV, it's usually something Kristie watches, like some Intervention bull s. hit or a Bravo Housewives show. Ugh. At least the weekend mornings I still get some EPL and Serie A in.

Internet TV: This is what I have to resort to now. LOST (which sucks a donkey's cock this year, seriously, kill Kate off. She's a dumb, annoying bitch that does nothing for the show. I used to think she hot. Not so much anymore. She's got a great bod, but offers nothing else), Metalocalypse, Tool Academy.

Books: Currently reading Liberation by Brian Francis Slattery. It's a sci-fi book about the collapse of the world, caused by severe finacial crisis. It's pretty good. Have recently finished The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which is hella good. Check that shit out. Also read The Watchmen (eh), The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death (badass, natch), and Downtown Owl (decent).

Podcasts: quit listening to talk radio, it's too nauseating outside of Jim Rome. Podcasts are the stuff now. World Soccer Daily, Best Show on WFMU, Best Show Gems, Phedippidations, Hey We're Back (Dr. Katz).

Food: quit drinking caffeinated pop, the beer at Great River Brewery is pretty good, Enchilada Bake microwavable dinner, carrots, hamburger and dirty rice, cajun-spiced turkey, anything from Grinder's on Locust St, buckets of lard.

Vacation Day 4: Barbados

2009-03-27T17:06:00.003-05:00

Oh my, the climbing and descending on the rocks and boulders of Dominica made me feel like like I'd just ran a marathon. Stiff legs, sore back, stiff cock...I was in a tough sort. That being said, it was nothing that my typical buffet breakfast couldn't bring me around from - bacon, 2 ommlettes, pancakes, sausages, OJ, Coca-Cola, a few ice cream cones, BOOM! I was back.

Barbados was today's destination, and for the first time we saw some overcast skies and felt some rain drops. Typical for a tropical environment, it left as soon as it came. We hopped in a cab and this time had a driver that was great at explaining all the workings of the island and it's social stuff. All of the schools had the kids in uniforms, each school wearing different colors. It was also home to Malibu rum and a huge cricket field. Cricket is the big game there, and the size of the stadium proved that as it was the size of Wrigley Field. The people of the island all talked like the guy in the Red Stripe commercials.

After some sightseeing, it was to the beach for sun, drink, and relaxation. Unfortunately, the beach we went to wasn't the nicest beach ever. It was a bit dirty, and it was a bit unsettling as the natives basically fight each other over who will be responsible for waiting on us. The local beer was Banks. Not bad, not bad at all. Really not much to report. I swam a bit, but concentrated much more on getting drunk and doing as little as possible, as this vacationing thing is hard work. Once we got back to the boat, the real drinking started, and for some reason I found the need to get super wasted. Like I said, hard work.

Oh no! Is it going to rain? Bollocks! It's the beers that bring tears...

Uh oh, someone was a little grumpy to be roused from his slumber!

The picture conveys it somewhat, but this was the absolute drunkest I was on the entire trip. Note the pop can at my feet, which was filled from a plastic flask of Kessler's whiskey in my room. Yes, I brought the hillbilly drink to the Caribbean!

The big attraction at this beach were the sea tortoises, which I fully intended to swim out and see, but got too drunk and forgot.

Simply put - this is the best way to remember what beach you were on when going through pictures. Especially on a trip where you're killing brain cells at a rapid pace.

I went to Barbados and all I got was a lousy case of the crabs.

Vacation Day 3: Dominica

2009-03-23T05:11:00.002-05:00

For the third day of the cruise we stopped at the tiny volcanic island of Dominica. And for the record, it's pronounced "Dominique-uh" and NOT "Dominican" minus the A. Now that we have that straight, fans of the TV show, LOST will notice that this island bears a strong resemblance. I did not see any flat land there as it was mostly rolling hills or mountains. The cab ride we took was a nail biter as the narrow roads were never straight and were usually at some absurd gradient, causing the van's motor to whine and scream as other cabs flew by in the opposite direction. At this point in the trip I realized it was best to just try and ignore it and view the scenery.

The big attraction on Dominica was the waterfall, which was located in some sort of National Park. It seemed to be located on the highest part of the island and probably took 30 minutes to get there. The island itself would have to be classified as Third World. What few houses we saw were definitely rundown and unbelievably small. Stray dogs wandered the streets at will and rusted out cars were seen aplenty. Granted, the rest of the island may have been different, but generally the ports were where the money was, and there wasn't much to be seen.

When we got to the National Park, we were able to grab a refreshment which meant I was able to drink Dominica's local brew, Kabouli. Much like the other island beers, it was a light brew, akin to a Mexican beer, but with a high alcohol content. Much like others, the common receptacle was a green glass 8oz bottle. Me likey. All in all, a short day on the island, but as the pictures show, there was plenty of scenery.

Another couple picture - again. Looking good - again.

At the National Park. Note the boulders. MUCH bigger than they appear. The walk to get to the waterfall was not for the meek or elderly. My quads paid the price and were quite sore for a few days afterward.

The ALBUM COVER! Pretty neat picture if I do say so myself. It was taken by an Australian chap. The rock we're sitting on is about 12 feet high.

Not shown: an empty bag of Dharma chips and Dharma peanut butter that Hurley snuck out to eat. 30 years ago James LeFluer would not have stood for such shenanigans.

Welcome to the jungle, we take it day by day. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play. If you've got a hunger for what you see, you take it eventually. You can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me.

The easy part of the path to the waterfall.

Kicking it in the pool that the waterfall filtered down to. I would get some sort of bug bite on my ass that would stay with the me for the duration of the cruise. It's a good thing that my bulge is below water because it was quite cold.

UP NEXT: Day 4 on Barbados.

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My Near Death Experience

2009-03-20T10:47:00.003-05:00

Let me set the stage for you, you know, since this is such a huge experience. It's not every day that one has a brush with and cheats Death itself.

It was Monday, the day before my birthday. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. I got off of work at a decent time and with all this new daylight that we get deeper into the evening, I thought I'd go for a run. So I headed down to the West High track, which I found was newly resurfaced. Then came my time where I thought I was dead.

What happened? I ran a mile without stopping...barely. It felt like I was knocking on Death's door.

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WBC

2009-03-11T10:04:00.002-05:00

I did some business over at The Saloon last night after I finished watching the Netherlands defeat Republica Dominicana for the second time in a week, thereby knocking them out of the World Baseball Classic. Christ Almighty, was I ever on edge watching that game! It was like watching a World Series game.

I have been really happy with the WBC. For one, it's baseball. And that is always a good thing. Secondly, it's competitive baseball, which is something that you don't get in Spring Training games. Third, it's passionate baseball. Anytime you have countries going head-to-head, patriotism and national pride come out, and you have the fans and announcing crew getting into it. (Side note: thankfully Charlie Steiner didn't do the Netherlands/DR game. He's fucking terrible)

Stay tuned for Vacation Day 3: Dominica coming up next. Shit will BLOW YOUR MIND!

Vacation Day 2: St. Thomas

2009-03-10T22:13:00.006-05:00

After setting sail (do you still say that if the boat has no sails?) from Puerto Rico the night before, there was dancing on drinking done on the party deck. One person in our group even won a trophy for having the ugliest shirt. It was really cool seeing San Juan at night, and as I said before, we passed right by Fort San Juan and San Juan Castle, which were both lit up with spot lights.

Up nice and early, we hit the party deck for a breakfast buffet. I quickly established my breakfast routine of eating two ham and cheese omelettes, some bacon, some hominy grits, while washing it all down with two glasses of OJ and a Coke. If it was particularly warm, I'd have an ice cream cone while leaving. After breakfast, it was a matter of trying to fit into my swim trunks, lathering up with some spf40 sunscreen, and grabbing a towel and some cash.

We knew where we wanted to go on St. Thomas - a place called Coki Beach. It was a nice and scenic 30 minute ride to the beach, all the while taking in great views of the cliffs and the sea. When we got out of the huge, open air taxi, the local beach vendors immediately swooped in on us. You want a lounge chair? You get it from them? You want a beer? They get it for you. Want your hair braided? They do it. Want some weed? They probably had that too.

Coki Beach was beautiful. A nice lagoon that was hidden from the big waves, allowing a great opportunity to just hang in the water. It also offered some great snorkeling. Luckily I strongarmed one the little boy's scuba masks and snorkel from the group we traveled in. I was actually able to see all types of colorful fish, some coral, an eel (!!!), and even a crab. Wow! Made sure to have plenty of of the local beer, Piton, and fresh made pina coladas and daquaris. Our beach server, "Cali", who was so cut up that he looked like a fucking anatomical chart, was always there to help us out. It was a hell of a time, and a great first day.

A nice ride on the open air taxi to Coki beach. Everyone drives like a fucking maniac and the roads are barely wide enough for two cars to pass, with no shoulder and 100 foot drops on one side.

Properly oiled and tanned, I had to show the locals how to flex. The training and the vitamins and the prayers have helped. Ladies, it takes years for a body like this. And look at the symmetry and the straight line in the pose. Clearly, I have read and retained much knowledge from "Arnold Schwarzenegger's Modern Encyclopedia of Body Building".

No words necessary.

So sexy that it makes me aroused just looking at it. Oh, and The Missus looks pretty good, too.

James, me, Cali, Doug, and Cool Keith all secretly pissed that we had to have our picture taken with a guy that had 0.1% body fat and could bench press a pregnant rhino.

Some guys never grow up. Proper flexing >>> Grown men wrestling

The entire group overlooking the bay on St. Thomas.

Vacation Day 1 (and 7): Puerto Rico

2009-03-09T21:03:00.006-05:00

Vacation. Ahhh!

We left from Moline International at 6:15am, our flight being delayed 30 minutes in order to have the plane deiced. Never had that happen before. If someone's deicing my plane, by all means, take your time. Finally amidst a blizzard, we took off bound for Atlanta, where we had about 10 minutes to catch our connecting flight to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico was where our Carnival Cruise ship was waiting to take us through the south Caribbean.

Puerto Rico was nice. I wish we had more time to explore around, but unfortunately we only ventured a few blocks from our hotel upon arrival, and a short bus trip when we came back from the cruise. Nice weather, ocean views, music, local beer...what more do you want?

(As always, you can click the pictures to get a big view. Good for boob and dong shots that will come in following days and posts.)

On the seaside walk, less than one block from our motel.

City park and cafe/restaurant near our motel. Sun + ocean + palm trees = instant boner.The good ol' self-portrait, atop Ft. San Juan.The Missus walking out to the lookout station at the Fort. The capitol building is seen in the background, the big white building with a dome roof.
Looking out at San Juan Castle, still functioning. We sailed right by it and the Fort when entering and leaving San Juan.
Gazing back down on the harbor, our ship, The Victory in the background.

Tough Job Market, I Guess

2009-03-06T21:11:00.003-06:00

I guess in these times of economic woe, you need to stand out to get a job. I guess that is what this girl was thinking when she filled out her application at Buffalo Wild Wings. Merits mentioning that Craig Grobstich nearly keeled over in laughter while I was openly taking this picture with my phone.

As always, if you click on the picture you get a better idea. Sorry, do dog cock this time, but when you look at this blown up, and if you scratch your computer screen, you can almost smell her ass. Not that I've tried. I can hardly see my screen now.

Boom!

2009-03-03T11:43:00.002-06:00

Just like Tiger Woods, I'm back. No, I didn't have another knee surgery, I was on a cruise of the south Caribbean. I didn't make the announcement because I didn't want any of you schmucks breaking into mi casa while I was away. The trip was pretty cool, I'll post more about each island we visited when I get some time. As you can imagine, being gone for more than a week has made my first day back a bit hectic.

Thanks for the comments, emails, and text messages on the dogs humping. That post has probably created more buzz than anything I've done over the past 2-1/2 years here at Eternal Stench. Sometimes you're in the right place at the right time and you just get lucky. That post practically wrote itself.

So long for now. I leave you with a picture from St. Kitts. Here you can see the Caribbean Ocean and Kitts' sister island, Nevis, in the background. Pretty cool stuff.

"Dancing" In The Street

2009-02-20T13:26:00.003-06:00

People like to poke fun at salesman. They say the job is easy because you get to do what you want, whenever you want. Actually, yeah, that's true - so long as you put up numbers. Thankfully I've put up enough numbers that I still have a job (for now). Today was a day that I'm glad to be a salesman. A financial guy or a construction worker couldn't have done this.

I had 20 minutes to kill between appointments. There wasn't enough time to head to the office, and it turned out that the prior appointment I had was only 6 or 8 blocks away. I decided to drive around and listen to the radio to kill time (The Best Show on WFMU - thanks, Erickson! BFF!!). I was in one of Davenport's seedier areas of town, somewhere around 6th Street and Taylor Street. Yes, not exactly a place you want to be after dark, but in the light of day, it's relatively safe as long as you're in a moving vehicle.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw some dogs fighting in an alley. Sensing potential enjoyment, I turned my truck around to check out the action. After I came back around, I saw that there was some commotion, but they weren't fighting. One dog was/was attempting to give another dog the business end of a red rocket while the third culprit took the role of an olfactory voyeur. What can you say? Dogs humping, or any animals for that matter, is funny as hell. I tried to snap a picture on my phone, but I was too far away to get a good, clear shot. Or, a "money shot", if you will.There were some neighborhood people staring at me trying to snap a picture of the fornication, so I got nervous and drove on. Not to be deterred, I thought "Fuck it." and went around the block again. They were no longer in the alley, but I say Voyeur Dog walking the the street a half block up. Like a good detective, I rolled up that way. Now the two lovedogs were full-on fucking in the front yard of a house. Again, I stopped to take a picture, but I was too far away. I needed a better picture, so I circled again.

This time I found them going at it in the street, and I was able to obtain a close-up. Oh, the joy! Both for me and presumably both dogs! So I circled the block at 10:30am three times to watch some dogs screw, so what? Life is too short to sit in a truck and read product literature. It was a good day.This reminds me of a joke that Myron told me. A young Indian boy (Native American) was sitting around the fire with his dad one morning. He asked his dad how all of the people in the tribe got their names. "Well, when the mommies have a baby, they look outside the teepee, and the first thing that catches their eye is what they name the baby. When my mother had me, she looked outside and to the sky, and that is why my name is Soaring Eagle. Why is it that you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?" Ahahaha! OMG LOZ

I STRONGLY encourage you to click on the pictures to make them bigger. You can even see cock in some! GTFO!!

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I Can Fix The Economy

2009-02-13T14:31:00.002-06:00

This works like a charm in my household!!

Site Revisions

2009-02-11T08:37:00.003-06:00

About a week late on this, but you may notice the site looks slightly different. The center column is wider, which allows text and pictures to coexist in a much simpler way. The old format was too narrow. Thanks to Chip Wesley from Pomp Culture for that.

You may have also noticed that I now have a list of books in the right column. These are books that I have read or am currently reading. I never knew how hard it was to try and recall all of the books you've ever read. It is. The books show up randomly, 50 at a time, so you should always be getting a new look. FUN! Credit goes to my cousin, Matt for that idea. You can check out his blog at http://badskiblog.blogspot.com and get your fill on hardcore metal and all sorts of economic advice.

Oh yeah, apparently Roberto Alomar has AIDS. He also confided to his girlfriend about getting raped by two Mexicans down in the southwest. ALLEGEDLY. (How did he know they were Mexicans? Couldn't they have been New Mexicans? Arizonians? He's a racist.)

What a Douche

2009-02-06T12:58:00.011-06:00

I was thumbing through last month's issue of Esquire* and happened upon a picture of Andrew WK. Wow, AWK in Esquire? The same guy who sang songs about partying hard, partying until you puke, about getting wet, about slamming john into a brick wall, and saying "We want fun!". Yeah, Andrew, nothings says partying like wearing a $3,000 outfit in Esquire Magazine. Lame.

_________Partying hard_______________Partying with Lance Bass

Another damning piece of info, wild man's dad is a fucking professor of law at The University of Michigan. Someone contact him, because clearly some sort of law has been broken here.

*Yes, I have a subscription to Esquire. I'm 3 issues in, and it is without a doubt the most pompous and pretentious magazine ever created. Unless you're into wearing $14,000 watches.

Rumor: CONFIRMED - Brewing in Davenport

2009-02-05T08:01:00.005-06:00

The Dam View Inn. One of my old haunts in one of Davenport's seedier neighborhoods. I've had countless good times there that I can recall, and undoubtedly many more that I can't recall. For a two or three year stretch, it was my go-to place. The crowd was young, they had a good juke box, some of the regulars were almost like comic book characters - a black, former boxer named Mike Tyson (but not THE Mike Tyson), a dancing air guitar and air harmonica player that went by Jim Jam, an old surly guy named Pappy, and a guy named Party Marty who'd get so drunk he couldn't talk and would look at HD quality porn on his handheld Playstation.

The Dam View Inn is now gone. Yes, that's right. It's gone. At least from it's prior ownership. Old Capitol Brewing out of Iowa City has bought the DVI and the coffee shop that was across the street of the NW corner of 2nd Street and Iowa Street. The coffee shop has been gutted and is now outfitted with some huge stainless steel brewing equipment. I'd heard this rumor last week and just yesterday drove by and can confirm this. They'll be brewing and selling growlers out of the old coffee shop, while serving their brews on tap at The Dam View. No word on if there will be a name change, but an impending remodel is confirmed. (Note to new ownership: please start with the men's bathroom) I haven't seen this reported anywhere else, so I guess you could say this is an Eternal Stench exclusive. I even went so far as to get two sources. Journalistic integrity is not dead.

This is a good thing. This is a VERY good thing. The DVI has gone downhill since the departures of Bob and OC. Aside from an afternoon beer there last Friday, it had been probably 6 months or so since I'd been down there. When the two aforementioned barkeeps/managers left, the place went downhill quickly. More trashy clientel came in, the new bartenders were shady as hell, and it really didn't seem that the ownership gave a damn. At least now there's some seemingly enthusiastic ownership, and you know how I like craft beers, and let's not forget it's positive business in downtown Davenport, something that is sorely needed.

RUMOR: the first batch of beer is supposed to be ready in about 2 weeks

I have no idea what the beer menu will look like, but here's what they're serving in the Iowa City bar (courtesy of Old Capitol Brew Works):

Shamrock Red Ale, Farmer Brown Ale, Lazy Lab Light, Public House Pale Ale, Straight Pipe Stout, Terrapin Stout, seasonal cask beer.

More details as they become available.

Metamorphosis

2009-02-03T10:04:00.006-06:00

I sometimes think that I am becoming the type of person that I hate. When I first got to college and moved in to the dorms, all anyone ever wanted to listen to was Dave Matthews and The Grateful Dead. "Dave" was riding high on his hit, "Crash" and you'd hear it any given time you walked down the hall, usually followed by a live version of "Ants Marching" or "Trippin Billies". As a senior in high school, I actually saw Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds at The Adler. I have to say that it was a tremendous show and one that has always stuck with me. But with the saturation of all things DMB, it just got old and became a parody of itself.

The Grateful Dead were the other animal. Heading to Iowa City, I had no idea about The Dead other than "Casey Jones", "Touch of Grey", and the fact that all of my mom's brothers REALLY liked them, enough that most of them actually moved to the Bay Area back in the 70's. Where The Dead differed from DMB was that I can't really recall HEARING any Dead songs, I just remember posters plastered all over walls and endless bohemian looking people wearing their Dead tie-dyed shirts, talking about Jerry, and getting tattoos of orange and yellow and pink dancing bears. That was reason enough for me to give The Dead the ol' "Nah, brah."

Fast forward a few years and I suddenly realized that if you can even remotely strum a few chords on a guitar and play along to songs that girls know, you were pretty damn cool. Even being a novice, they just assume that you're the greatest guitar player ever, on par with Hendrix and Clapton. Knowing this, I learned songs that they wanted to hear, and inevitably it lead to some Dead songs. Paying my craft the due diligence that it deserves, I had to really check out some of their catalog.

Lo and behold, The Grateful Dead were a pretty badass band. I'd always assumed it would be really trippy and avant garde psychedelic rock, which I suppose was something conjured up by me, because I'm not sure I could describe what "trippy and avant garde psychedelic rock" was. Maybe akin to "Jazz Odyssey" by Spinal Tap? It certainly wasn't that. In fact, much of it was more along the lines of country, blues, and old fashioned R&B rock 'n roll. Naturally, I had to learn "Uncle John's Band", "Sugar Magnolia", "Friend of the Devil", and "Box of Rain" to my arsenal of late night, front porch jams.

Fast forward to now, and I'll vehemently argue that Workingman's Dead and One From The Vault are two of the best albums that I own. Either the Grateful Dead that I knew in the fall of '96 had a bad rap, or I just formed a preconceive notion in my head of what they were (weren't). I'm not here to champion their cause, Jerry Garcia's legend does that just fine, as do the remaining members. Oh, and just to show the entire metamorphosis process, in a few months I'm going to be seeing the remaining members (plus Warren Haynes from Gov't Mule) live in concert. Yeah, I've become that "Dead" guy. Still don't have a t-shirt or poster, but you never know.

Updates!

2009-01-30T10:40:00.003-06:00

I did some business over at Pomp Culture.

There's a new link in the right column. It's Dave Thomas's personal site (Three Seashells), he of Pomp Culture fame. He's really into war history. He was also in a fraternity.

I've been struggling with headaches lately, but only when I'm in the office. Before you call bullshit, the same thing is happening to the guy that sites behind me.

Because I believe in journalistic integrity, I will not announce who I'm rooting for in the Super Bowl and also who I believe will win. Hint: it rhymes with "Maradona Particles".

There are a few Ambrose college kids that I've been swimming with. I heard the one say to the other, "I can't wait to graduate, man. Once I get a job, I'm going to buy a new boat." Haha, dumb bastards.

If you could only see one movie in your lifetime, it should be "Mickey Blue Eyes".

Target > BBB

2009-01-28T13:04:00.002-06:00

In the world of wedding gift registry, Target is the clear winner. At least when you compare it to Bed Bath and Beyond. Seriously, it isn't even close. One of the few thoughts that entered my mind during my ball-busting 2-1/2 hours at BBB other than "this blows" was "I'd love to see this place in flames."

Reasons. You want reasons. Here you go:

- At BBB you have to put up with a long and boring sales presentation on all kinds of shit. At Target, they just give you a scan gun and say "Have at it!"

- BBB is a total fucking maze of endless crap and the organization is piss-poor. Target has aisles that are clearly marked and labeled.

- I did not feel like a Gay while I was at Target.

- Target had board games that you could register for.

- Target had folding card chairs and collapsible lawn chairs. BBB had a breadmaker. 'Nuff said.

- While at Target, we also picked up some cleaning supplies and I pondered making a black vest purchase. At BBB I had to look at 45 different varieties of wash cloths.

- Oddly enough, and though I didn't go this route, I'd feel much more comfortable picking a cookware set endorsed by Rachel Ray or Paula Dean rather than something that had a really expensive sounding name.

- I secretly scanned a box of Maxi-Pads when The Missus wasn't looking.

- Target offered you a free Smoothie. Sadly, we didn't realize this until after we'd left.

- Target took us maybe 45 minutes, BBB was a death march.

Please PLEASE don't get me wrong. BBB has some very high quality things, there is no doubt. Also if you had any sort of question regarding the use, function, or sensibility of a product, I seriously doubt that anyone at Target could have helped. BBB has a trained and professional staff. They (BBB) just have too much stuff. Too many choices for a couple that's got enough on their hands as it is. Like a good soldier, I will revisit BBB when I've had some time to look at things and do some meditating. If not, I would probably set some stuff on fire.

On a related note, it's shocking how many things that they try and push that you would no way ever use. Seriously. Do they assume everyone has a 30' x 40' kitchen with endless storage space? They have stuff there that the Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium would never use. "Well you're going to need this for when you have to grind up fresh ginger." What?!? I'm really making a concerted effort to only include things that we would use. I've seen some fucked up shit on wedding lists, man, let me tell ya'.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm starting to get some unwanted patches of hair on the back's of my arms, in the tricep area. It used to be just a few strays that I could easily pluck. Times have changed. Not really a fan of it.

Getting Married? Read This:

2009-01-22T14:00:00.001-06:00

Note: this piece was also published at Pomp Culture

When you're preparing to be married it's astonishing how many things you need to learn. You'd think that it was just as simple as finding a church and finding a reception hall (or if you're really smart and ahead of the game, what time the Justice of the Peace opens up). Not so fast, Buster. It's a crazy, mad world that you enter. Suddenly questions are heaped upon you. You want to cower in the corner, but you know that you have to prove your role as Man of the House.

What about health insurance? Who's place will the two of you live in? Where in the hell do you put all of your stuff? What do you have to do to have her last name changed? What type of cookware is best - non-stick, stainless, cast iron? How do you do your taxes once you're married? Do you keep your bank accounts or do you make it a joint account? What are the names of her cousins again?

That's only the tip of the iceberg, man. Luckily there are plenty of websites and books out there that attempt to make this process easier for you. They provide an actual timeline and checklist that allows you to see what decisions you need to make and when you should have them done by. I can't tell you how great that is to have something like that. How did people even go about this in the 50's, 60's, and 70's? Oh yeah, weddings back then just involved you wearing whatever suit or military uniform you had, and a wedding reception (if you even had one) was nothing more than sitting in someone's backyard or garage with a pony keg of Falstaff, a few loaves of bread and a serving tray of ham and sliced cheese.

As helpful as those books are, advice from recently married friends is solid gold. Straight from the horse's mouth. The real deal. If it wasn't for a conversation I had with one of my married friends the other night, I would have missed out on this completely. Non of the websites I have visited or books I've read have mentioned this precious nugget of information at all - not a one. How they have overlooked it is downright inexcusable. Of course I'm talking about The Waiver.

Allow me to quickly describe how this came about. A few nights ago, I attended a Wild Game Feed at the local Knights of Columbus. I had known about this for a few weeks and told my significant other that I'd be attending with my friend. This was a guys only function and, for the most part, she understood. A horn honked outside my house at 5 as my friend had arrived to drive me there and I told her I'd probably be home around 9:00 or 9:30. Long story short, I ate some bear meatloaf, pheasant casserole, and a bevy of other "wild game" that was only edible when washed down by copious amounts of your standard fare American Macrobrew. As we got in my friend's truck to head home, it was 11:30.

I groaned, knowing that I'd take some heat, albeit minor, over the gross misinterpretation of time. My friend looked at me stupefied and said, "Uh, are you saying you don't have The Waiver in place?" I had to plead ignorance. I had no clue what he was talking about. What happened over the next 5 minutes was a lecture that should be given to all new husbands-to-be. If you haven't heard of The Waiver, luckily I'm here to recap the highlights. The genius behind it is that it's fully customizable to each husband.

If I say that I'm going to be home at 10pm, what I really mean is that I'll be home around midnight or a little after. A two and a half hour buffer is granted.
Fishing knows no laws of time. If the fish are biting, the two and a half hour buffer is waived, and it becomes "whenever the fish stop biting".
Unanswered calls during fishing time are not punishable.
While a game is going on during football season, I'll try my best to listen to you, but if I retain anything of what you said, it will be what I wanted to hear.
Just because the door is locked while I take a shower, it does not necessarily mean that I'm pleasuring myself.
Strip clubs and bachelor parties go hand in hand. Moral stances aside, it's something that happens. It's out of my control.
Trips to you parents house are not a problem, but shall be set at one per week. Any additional trips shall be decided on a case by case basis. This is also 100% reciprocal.
Fantasy sports are not for "kids". I don't know why girls aren't allowed at the drafts. It's just the rules.

I've understood that this waiver holds quite a bit of weight, and that's it's best to take it to your local City Hall to have it notarized. Perhaps having it matted in a plaque would be a good idea as well. Of course, she would have to sign it before you got to that stage. I'm still in the Awe Stage of things right now, I haven't gotten all that far. Hmm, I wonder what the best way is to present this to her?

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Longing For Baseball

2009-01-16T12:34:00.006-06:00

I don't know the exact time, but we've got to be getting close to pitchers and catchers reporting to Spring Training, right? Getting dangerously close to be the annual time that I get my hopes up on the Cub again. Hopefully if the Cub are lucky enough to make the Postseason again, they can manage more than SIX FUCKING RUNS IN THREE FUCKING GAMES!. Yeah, still a bit peeved about that.

Speaking of baseball, I did some bidness over at Pomp Culture where I fondly looked back on the '91 World Series, which just may have been the Greatest World Series that I've been alive for.

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In a totally unrelated story, after swimming over 2,200 yards last night, I slept like a log and am currently having a hard time lifting my arms above my head.

Reader's Note: it's NOT a good idea to go from zero swimming since July to a deuce grande in January.

Reader's Note II: I still held my own, bitch.

______________________

Current Action

2009-01-15T09:52:00.004-06:00

Haven't done one of these in some time. It's cold as balls here in the QCA. When I checked weather.com this morning it said the temp was -18 with a windchill of -42. I know that I'm a dependable champion of living in Davenport, but Jesus H. Christ, this bullshit is damn near unbearable. As my nose hairs keep getting longer and longer with age, that's more surface area for snot to cling to, which in turn leads to more stuff to freeze when you go outside. "Why don't you just breathe through your mouth?" you say. Bitch, have you ever breathed through your mouth in that cold? Not good unless you love coughing like you're some kind of lunger from the Wild West days.

Yeah, got to stay inside. No gigs scheduled wither, which means it's a good time to do stuff like clean house (ugh), read, watch TV, listen to music, shit like that.

Actually got all of my carpets cleaned. Goddamn, you never realize how dirty your carpets are until you have them cleaned. And for what little amount it costs, um yeah, let's go ahead and do that twice a year. Plus Uncle Sam let's me write half of that off! Boo-yah.

I already talked about the book I just finished, now I've moved on to one that I heard enough shit about for so long, I had to see what all the fuss was about. It's called "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by some dude named Junot Diaz. I'm about half way through it. It started out really great, talking about a "ghetto nerd" named Oscar, a Dominican immigrant living in Patterson, New Jersey, trying to get some action from the ladies. It's kind of slowed down a bit, but it's still more than readable. It also gives you all kinds of history on the D.R. Shit I'd never heard of. More to come.

Not a big TV watcher, but one show that I do watch religiously is Top Chef on Bravo. Normally I hate reality shows like no other, but there's just something about this one. Aside from the fact that I can't stand the c*nt that hosts the show, what with her shuffling around with her plastic smile, acting like she's a food critic when any moron can tell that she just repeats what the other experts say. Anyhow, it's a quality show. If you don't currently watch it, give it a chance. It has to be a good reality show if even I watch it, right? Wednesdays at 9pm CST.

As for music, I've been revisiting some old stuff and listening to some other old stuff that I'd never listened to before. Was that just a run-on sentence, or did it just not make any sense? Anyhow, the revisited piece is The Beatles Abbey Road which might just be the best Beatles album ever. I just love how 75% of the album sounds like one giant medley of songs. Had the cassette tape as a kid, and I wore that shit out. The entire family listened to it on vinyl during X-Mas Eve, and even drunkenly, EVERYONE knew all the words. That has to count for something, brah.

The old one that I've just now discovered is Music From Big Pink by The Band. Jesus, what a great group they were. I'm sure you've at least heard the song, "The Weight" from that disc, but golly gee willickers, that whole album is great. Kind of a drug-fuel easy listening country album infused with some R&B organ work. That's a mouthful! (That's what she said).

Stay warm, friends!

In a totally unrelated story, I was doing my usual nude flexing in the mirror today after my morning shower. While my penis still looked great, I wasn't happy with the physique. As a direct result, I shall be hitting the pool esta noche at the YMCA. I have principles, damnit. And I have a cruise to attend in about a month's time. Duty calls.

.

New Liberty, You've Been Rocked The Fuck Out

2009-01-12T21:09:00.004-06:00

The Sandberg Game, the day the planes hit the Twin Towers, the crash of The Challenger, the Wrestlemania when Hogan actually body slammed Andre The Giant, the official release of The North Pole. All of these events are epic - so much so that you can still remember where you were, what you were doing, who you were with, etc. For the lucky patron's of GB's Sports Bar in New Liberty, they'll remember Saturday January 10th, 2009 as the day that Eargasm made them climax in their pants.

We've played good shows in the past, no doubt. We've also played our fair share of stinkers - just ask Biscuit's Bar about our December 27th show. It's tough to say how you know going in if it will be a good one or not. Obviously, if you go into it all fucked up on booze and reefer cigarettes, the chances of bombing are better. Whatever it was this night, I do not know, but if I did, I would make sure that it would be our constant routine.

GB's is located right on Highway 130, smack dab in the middle of New Liberty, IA. It sounds far away from the QC, but most of the drive is interstate, and from Davenport's West Side, it only took about 25 minutes. The bar itself is only 7 months old, and somehow ties into Slaby's Bar in Plain View. It's big, it's open with a high ceiling, and they have a small stage. Easily a place that you could cram a few hundred people in. The staff was great, and they even had the beer distributor make a Budweiser/Eargasm sign. (Fuck! That reminds me, we forgot to ask for it!)

It was a little intimidating going in, as everyone kept staring at us city-folk like we were aliens. What can you do? Just get up there and start playing. It was a little slow going at first, but eventually the crowd came around. Funny how alcohol does that, isn't it? Taking a page from Eric Clapton and The Grateful Dead, we incorporated an acoustic set into the show, and I think it went over pretty well. I played 3 or 4, while Al Sweet probably did somewhere around 10. The later the night got, the louder the cheers.

We actually thought it was a pretty good crowd, maybe 50 people or so, which isn't bad when you realize New Liberty can't be much more than 150 or so. The owner and her son apologized to us profusely, saying that they didn't advertise for the show until Tuesday. Usually the promote it for two weeks or so prior, and they've had crowds in there upwards of a couple hundy. They wanted us to come back, and we told them we'd be happy to oblige.

Some highlights: "No Matter What" continues to be a solid opener, and keeps getting better. "Voodoo Child" was played SOBER this time, and Jimmy really played some great fucking guitar on that one. Erik Roll stopped by and came up to sing "Rockin in the Free World". Some dude from New Liberty named Mike came up and played drums for a song. I'm always leery about having people sit in that we don't know, but this guy slayed during "Stanglehold". I was more than happy not to play that one as I really can't do the song justice, but this Mike kid did. Thanks, Mike. We closed out the night with Dwight Yoakum's "Fast As You", and predictably, the crowd fucking loved it. Never would have guessed that we'd be playing a few country tunes, but I'll be Goddamned if they aren't fun.

Hopefully we'll get back there again and I'll be sure to get the word out this time.

The Shotgun Rule

2009-01-08T12:08:00.005-06:00

To those of you who listen to me, you know that I think Charlie Huston is one of the best writers around right now. I've blasted my way through all of the Joe Pitt Casebooks that have been written (thus far), I've read the Hank Thompson Trilogy, and now I just finished his first stand alone novel, The Shotgun Rule.

I won't go into too many specifics, I don't want to spoil anything. The book takes place on 1983 in the East Bay area of California. Four kids are somewhat delinquent, punk rocker types that decide to try their hand at being petty thieves. They happen upon some drugs, take a bag, and the shit jumps off. I read a review somewhere that says it's kind of like a really fucked up Stand By Me type story. I can see that, but this is way more action packed and fast paced.

Huston is such a great story teller. The Shotgun Rule, like his other books, celebrates the role of the anti-hero. I must say that it's quite refreshing. No one wants to read or hear about some perfect Prince Charming that all mothers want their daughters to grow up and marry. Huston likes writing about the guy who has somewhat (and loosely speaking) good intentions, but is no doubt sketchy and suspect.

It's a book full of swearing, 80's metal references, Gayest Bands of the early 80's dialogs, brutal violence, humor, life lessons, drugs, crime, oh it's so good. Simply put, The Shotgun Rule is bad-motherfucking-ass and should be read immediately. Check your library or just spring for the $10 that it'll cost you for actually buying it. You won't be disappointed.

In a totally unrelated story, this morning I paused from shaving, just to tell myself that I am the bomb.

Obligatory 2008 Review

2009-01-04T14:55:00.006-06:00

As was pointed out to me on New Year's Eve, the blog has been slacking lately. No reason, really. It'd be nice if I had grand excuse as to why there has been no writing. I thought about lying to all of you, I really did. I had some doozies, too. Shipping off to Iraq, starting up an internet phishing scam, building a 12-plex, coaching a minor league hockey team, getting syphilis, starting a welding hobby, getting a Political Science degree, etc. Alas, if I'm not honest with you, I am nothing. The reason is laziness. It's way easier to do nothing or just hang out on Facebook. Wait, is there a difference?

I guess you could say that 2008 was a big year for me. Really, it was. Definitely one that would make my Top 25 Years Of My Life List, but that's another column for another day. Here's some personal highlights of 2008 for me. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

- I got sick on January 1st ('07). Probably the sickest I've been in 10 years. I'm talking REALLY sick, like "fetal position" sick.

- I went to Mexico with the family, specifically Cancun. Warm weather is never a bad thing.

- Eargasm, the band that was supposed to be a one-show pony, ended up playing over a dozen times, for different occasions and with an ever-evolving lineup. We even played a party for an NFL player. GDP of the band has been modest, while fan reaction has been ambivalent. (HEY!! That reminds me, Eargasm is playing 1/10/09 in New Liberty at BG's Sports Bar from 9pm to 1am!!)

- I read tons of good books. Just off the top of my head: French Revolutions, The Assist, Clapton, Brewing Up a Business, pretty much every book written by Charlie Huston, Ugly Americans, How Soccer Explains the World, Slash, and many, many others.

- A pretty decent year for live music, as I saw Gov't Mule, The Black Crowes, The Woodbox Gang, Walter Trout, the entire Lollapalooza Festival, Eric Clapton, The Black Keys, Grace Potter, and probably tons of others that I've left out.

- Took a vacation to Washington DC and Philadelphia to see some sites, see some friends, and see some family. Oh yeah, I took the g/f along too, allowing me to see how we'd get along. It worked.

- On the athletic front, I did a few triathlons, played a lot of horseshoes, suffered a broken rib.

- Had a two week boner during the Olympics. Yes, obviously I like watching the Olympics, even if it does cause a severe case of priapism.

- I turned 30.

- I came up with a self-amusing tactic of weighing myself before taking a crap, then again after taking a crap. It was much easier than water displacement. Oh yeah, I also successfully clogged a toilet with just crap. Quite a feat.

- I got engaged. This was definitely a Top Ten moment for me.

- I got blackout drunk a few times.

- Had a reunion and met most of the guys from the now defunct Thunder Matt's Saloon. You can now read them at www.PompCulture.com

- I bought a new car. It has power locks and everything.

- I learned how to tie a bow tie.

There is no doubt that I've left a ton of stuff out. Feel free to flame me in the comments. Yes, that is also a ploy to fish for comments. Happy New Year.

Eargasm 12.27.08

2008-12-30T09:38:00.002-06:00

Another holiday show at Biscuits in Buffalo, another night of ice. Two years in a row now there has been a pretty bad ice storm. Maybe the Gods do not like us. Maybe the Gods can't handle having their asses rocked off. Regardless, we still had a great turnout, and we'd like to say thanks to all who braved the weather. We're playing on January 10th at BG's in New Liberty if any of ya'll are so inclined.

I got a FlipShare camera for X-Mas and the missus shot a few videos. I managed to get them up on The YouTube. Feel free to make fun. Happy New Year.

I'm Back!

2008-12-19T08:22:00.003-06:00

Sheeeit, been busy shoveling snow and eating.

OK, we'll get the business out of the way first. Over at Pomp Culture, I wrote about all different sorts of holiday drinks. I also contributed to a piece on Albums of the Week, where I did a small write up on Geggy Tah. Remember them? GREAT fucking album. Well, Sacred Cow is anyway, I've never heard any of their other ones. Speaking of Pomp Culture, pretty funny writeup from Afroman Jordi on Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Oh yeah, I got my engagement photos done. Apparently this is what engaged couples do. I'll claim ignorance on this. I always thought if you wanted to submit a picture for the QC Times writeup section, you just picked one of the two of yah's at a party or a picnic or a sater. If you wanted to get fancy then you could go to Sears or something. Once again, I'm wrong. Well, most wedding photographers include this into your wedding photos, so there you go. Another way they get their mitts into you.

Our scheduled day was a snowy one, so we got some cool pictures outside in the falling snow. The flakes sizzled when they hit me. It's because I'm so hot, you see. After frolicking about in the elements we went inside for the more "traditional" photos. Apparently they don't use those pull down backdrops anymore. What a shame, I was looking forward to a "library" shot, or one in The Alps. It was OK I guess, I'm not really one for all those kissy kissy pictures. If you're gonna go to those lengths, why not do some all-out porn shots? I'd be down for it. (Hey ladies, I'm like a pop can, but long! YOWZA!)

I'm never one to keep a stuffy moment lame, so I brought along some props. No, silly. There were no dildos or Ben Wah balls to be had. I decided to do something totally and utterly ridiculous: I created an alter ego, whom I call Country Nick. I found a western shirt at Goodwill, I borrowed a black Stetson from Schricker, my dad had some 30 year old cowboy boots, I got my hands on a belt buckle, I tied a hankie around my neck, and strapped on the geetar. Yes, it was pretty funny. And just go ahead and bless the missus, she went along with it and thought it was hysterical. I'm really lobbying hard for Country Nick to be the QC Times picture, where my employment will be listed as "aspiring C&W crooner", but that might need some working on and some serious persuasion. Looks I'll be getting naked quite a bit.

Hope you enjoy these. You can see some more photos at the photographer's blog, and when I get all the pictures, I'll be sure to post some more. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got ta' go raise and rope some broncos. And that hired hand better not sass me or I'll read that boy the news! Yeehaw!!

Christmas Lists

2008-12-09T10:28:00.003-06:00

Things change when you get older. Back in the day, I didn't have enough paper to fill out my Christmas List. Baseball cards, Transformers, fishing stuff, you name it. Granted, I never got all of it (though Dad could never say no to the fishing stuff!), but the ideas were there. Nowadays, I still get asked, "What do you want for Christmas?" Hmm. How crazy that back in grade school my mom would say, "You can't ask for ALL that stuff!" Now it's just "What do you want for Christmas? And you CAN'T say 'nothing'!"

What in the heck am I supposed to ask for? Uh, a Target gift certificate? That's all I ask for anymore. Super Target gift cards are like manna from heaven. Anything you need, they have at Super Target. But as for specific things, I have no idea whatsoever. If it were socially and morally correct, I would hands down ask for people to come over and wash windows, dust, clean the bathrooms, etc. Somehow I can't see my aunt being too thrilled to do that. That is too odd of a request.

I actually got a pretty strange Christmas request yesterday. I got an email from my aunt who said that my grandma and grandpa really wanted me to play and sing "Edelweiss" on guitar. Edelweiss. As in the song from The Sound of Music. Wow. At least it isn't one of the songs that Julie Andrews sang. I'm not sure I could come close to that. No, Edelweiss was the song that the patriarch of the Von Trapp family sang. A song that reminded him of his Austrian heritage. A pretty song, very graceful, and very tough to sing. Singing a slow song gives you no opportunity to hide. You're right there, front and center. We'll see how it goes. My brother will hopefully accompany me on guitar, and we'll play it after the booze has been circulating for awhile!

Here's Herr Von Trapp singing it. Eeeeeedelweiiiisssss...Eeeeeeedelweiiiissss....

_____________________

Can You Tie a Bow Tie?

2008-12-04T06:50:00.000-06:00

I got home yesterday to find a package in the mail box. I thought it was another Charlie Huston book until I picked up the package and noticed how light it was. I was baffled initially, but when I opened it, it all became clear. I'd forgotten that I'd bid on a black bow tie a few weeks back, and now here it was!

No, I'm not trying to go for that Ivy League Professor look when I'm out and around the town. I thought it'd be cool to wear a real bow tie at my wedding. Yes, I'm such an old fuddy-duddy about some things. The more and more I looked at tuxes, the more I wanted that "Danny Ocean" look. And they all tie their own. Why can't I? I'm a man. A man with a brain that's 1/3 bigger than a female's. I went to a Big Ten university. I can count to ten in English, French, Spanish, German, Japanese, and Canadian. I am awesome.

Tell you what, it looks pretty damned easy when you see someone do it. I remember back in the day, a high school literature teacher showed me how to tie one, and it seemed pretty darned easy. If I can tie a Windsor knot on a neck tie, surely I can handle this knot. Of course, that was almost 12 years ago that I saw Mr. King tie one after we read The Canterbury Tales. To the computer! Thank God for these times. How did I ever get by before YouTube?

There's a good five or six videos that show you how to tackle this assignment. Again, it all looks so easy when someone else does it. After watching a few of them (my favs were this one and this one), I went about it. Yeesh! How in the hell do you find the space to fit it in there? (That's what she said) Cripes, I felt retarded for awhile. Finally I realized that you can't worry about easing it in like a gentleman, you've got to ram that thing in there. Everyone's happy for it in the end. Not too shabby I'd say. I had to fiddle with the knot for a minute or so, and I know I'll get better with practice.

To all my groomsmen who are reading this, please get practiced up! I don't want to tie eight or nine knots the day of the wedding. I'm sure I'll have plenty to worry about.

>

I Finally Got a Piece of the Pie

2008-12-02T13:49:00.007-06:00

Small piece of business to get things started. I'm still not exactly sure what "pomp" means. If it means "good", I'm that.

Movin' on up! Damn straight, brah. I'm living the high life. I never knew how cool life could be. For years I've toiled in the same demographic. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. Maybe a humble life is better. But after you learn the joys and wonders of power windows and power locks on an automobile, how are you expected to go back?

Yes, ladies and germs, I have stepped up in the automotive world. I now have experience in something other than two-door pickup trucks. After nearly 16 years of living that life, I have thrown my hat into the four-door, compact car demographic. A red beauty, a 2006 Chevy Cobalt, and the lil' honey even has a remote that works the locks and the trunk. Oh, how have I ever managed to live?

Not sure what I'll call it. Is it a he or a she? I'm thinking either Little Red Riding Hood or The Red Baron. Being as the missus will be the predominant driver, she'll probably go the fairytale path rather than the German bi-plane route. Machts nicht, I say. For now, I'm just enjoying the power windows, lock, and FOB.

Thanksgiving Gluttony

2008-12-01T13:50:00.004-06:00

I mean really, isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? Sure, one giant serving of mashed potatoes and extra gravy is sufficient, but what the hell's wrong with doing it twice? So what if you feel miserable? I love every minute of it. Usually I don't feel bad about it because I run the YMCA Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I was unable to run it this year due to some respiratory problems. It was the first time in 5 years that I didn't run that bitch of a five miler. Best case of bronchitis I ever had!

Back to the gorging, I used my strategy of "Screw The Desserts". What's with that bullshit anyway? Pumpkin pie is overrated, and while we're at it, so is dessert in general. You can have that crap anytime. Nay, I say! Give me the turkey! Give me endless real mashed potatoes! Give me the green bean casserole, and extra crunchy onion thingies, if you please! Make it three rolls! What is that, creamed corn casserole? Pile it on! Don't forget the stuffing! Perfect. Wait, smother it all in gravy you big, dirty maaaaannn!

Let's not forget about the spirits. You and your continental asses can have your wine. Give me a glass of milk, please (1% or 2% is great, skim is unacceptable), and follow that with your finest beer! (This year featured Tucher Heffe Weizen, Dogfish Head 60 Minute, Stella Artois, Bell's Golden Ale, and original recipe Schlitz) Away with your mulled wines and ciders! I spit on your champagnes! Let there be a feast worthy of my delectable tastes! Long live the king! Well, something like that.

Had a doozy on the Friday after Thanksgiving as well. One that could rival some of my past Fair Week exploits. Me and the missus had the day off, and after some light house cleaning, we decided to go out for lunch. The desired destination was Maria's Tacos in Moline, a old standby of Yours Truly. Just because Thursday was a gorge-fest didn't mean that I was taking any time off. Christ, I'm engaged now, who in the hell do I have to impress? Really, a bit of a robust belly would give me a nice, stately look. RAWR! Waitress! Tacos de carne asada, por favor, y un Mt. Dew mas grande! Added to that, an entire basket of chips and salsa, and my appetite was certainly bedded down to above average standards.

It was later that afternoon that I found out that my cousin from Cedar Rapids was playing in a girls basketball game at West High. The Mighty Falcons! Hell yes I would go! You bet your ass I can still sing the fight song! Oh, you're going to Chef's Hat before the game? Count me in. A salad, a pizza, and a few beers later, I was waddling like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. No matter, I am a man of large appetite, and I was still able to function at a capacity superior to 95% of the normal society.

Well shit, then I got a call to head down to the 11th Street Precinct for some fun and libations. I'll admit, I was starting to feel some pain. Beers were beginning to threaten to burst my muscle bound stomach, so I reasonably switched to mixed drinks and shots. One of the many advantages to eating as much as I had was the fact that I was unable to get drunk. Pounded 'em away, and I even got up on stage to do a number with my pals in The Candy Makers. It was a great night, but that would not soon end. A buddy visiting from out of town was dead set on getting a 2am meal at Ross's in Bettendorf. What could I do? I drove us to Ross's and ordered a Magic Mountain! Ah, sweet, gluttonous bliss. At least until the next morning, when my ass waged a war with the toilet that equaled the stench and potency of a stew of nerve gas and used biohazard bags.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wedding Planning Update: meeting with the cake lady tomorrow. You better believe it when I say many, MANY cake samples will be tried. "Um, could I try that Waldorf Red Cake again? Thanks. Uh, do you have any milk? Thanks. Oh, nothing besides skim? Yeah, I'll take the warm buttermilk. Cheers!"

Sup, Brah?

2008-11-21T14:19:00.005-06:00

Let's get the business out of the way first. I had some serious doubts about this site, but I'll admit, my feelings about Pomp Culture are now luke warm.

Speaking of Pomp Culture, look for a killer blog topic that will be done in installments over there after Thanksgiving. It's so cool. Something I'm very excited about doing. Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you hanging with that cock tease, so here's a hint: it could possibly involve bolo ties and/or a hippie icon. That's all you get. Updates to follow.

Wedding Update! Everything is going swimmingly well. The tuxes are finalized, the photographer is lined up, we're meeting with the cake lady very soon. Flowers should be easy to pick out, looks like it's free sailing from here. Just need to call some groomsman. I already have their gifts decided. All is good in the Swanson abode.

Except two nights ago, I get a request from the missus. "What is our first dance song going to be?" AHHH!! Jesus Christ! Why, WHY do I do this to myself? This should be easy. I know music. I can even play some on a rudimentary level. This is no problem. WRONG. I can't even describe the stress and frustration I'm experiencing over this.

The missus gave a few of her ideas. Poppy, sappy country is NOT happening. Sorry babe, this is one of the times that Nick puts his foot down. Problem is, now that I have put my foot down, I don't know what to do. I want something unique, something fun, something that means something to us. Maybe something that we could do a special type of dance to. Suddenly, it hit me, I knew the song. I just knew it. I hadn't heard or thought of the song in over 5 years. Now it came to me. Surely the hand of fate was involved. It had a great singer, crooning in a gravelly and jazzy voice, it sounded like it was from the Big Band Era, it had some nice acoustic guitar work, the perfect tempo - slow, but not too slow. The Goddamn saxophone solo made my pants wet, and I don't even have a vagina.

I scurried to look for the CD. Couldn't find it. Must still be at my parents house. Damn! I don't have time to run over there, Top Chef is almost on. NO this can't wait until tomorrow. It's in my head right now. Like I said, fate is surely at work here. "Fuck it", I say. I buy the bastard from iTunes. 99 cents is nothing when it conveys the love-soaked message that this song does. You mother f'er! I downloaded a different version! One that was sped up. No problem, I am a college graduate of a Big Ten University, I have the disposable income that allows me to decadently download another 99 cent song. GOT IT!! "I'll Always Be In Love With You". I almost weep at the title.

I have to say, I felt pretty damn sexy queuing that song up. I set the volume levels to the max. I was giddy. I had the missus lay down right next to me before I hit play. It was perfect. It was a blissful 4 minutes. The song was over, it sounded better than ever. I even noticed a nice little piano solo that I had forgotten about. It was perfect. Then I realized what the words said:

Sweetheart if you should stray
A million miles away,
I'll always be in love with you.

And though you find such bliss
In someone else's kiss,
I'll always be in love with you

I can't do anymore,
I try so hard to please.
But let me thank you for such tender memories
I wish you happiness,
But for me sweetheart I guess.
I'll always be in love with you

I'd like to wish you happiness,
But for me sweetheart I guess.
I'll always be in love with you

Yeah, the fucking "perfect song" is about someone pining over a lost love. How could I have been so stupid? Bless her heart, the missus said the song was so beautiful, but the words didn't work. I looked like someone had just shot my dog. Had I not been so overly manly and tough, I would have wept like a baby.

Now I'm back to square one. Seriously, I'm probably devoting over an hour scouring iTunes for possible songs every night. Why is it that the seemingly simple decisions are always the tough ones?

Link to the song here

____________________

It's "Baby Time", beleeeeve it!

2008-11-15T09:24:00.002-06:00

Sorry for writing so esoterically, but whatever. If you didn't know, my old pal Matt Roll and his wife had a baby yesterday morning. A little Roll baby that they named Sylvia. Now, now, I know what you're thinking - "This means that Matt HAS had sex with a girl!" Yes, that is true, but let's be happy for them for the reasons of a new family member.

I actually stopped by the hospital shortly after the birth. I had figured that the baby would have been born the night before, but then again, I don't know half of what I think I know, though the half that I DO know is far more than more than half of the people I know. Whatever. Anyway, I got to see the new daddy sporting some greasy, crazy hair, bloodshot eyes, and a pretty impressive face of stubble. (Note: I think Matt could grow a solid beard). I guess that happens when you have a baby. But he definitely had that New Dad glow about him. Attire was casual - maroon shirt, tennis shoes, Zubaz pants.

Weeks earlier, I had lobbied for the position of the videographer of the baby. I was repeatedly denied by Matt's bride, even after I assured her it would be done "tastefully" and with only "over-the-shoulder" camera angles. Some may see this as yet another failure for me, but I see it as another challenge to overcome. One of these days.

Matt asked me not to share this information, but I'm terrible at keeping secrets. They knew that they would name the baby "Sylvia" if it was a girl. If it would have been a boy, they still hadn't finalized the name yet. I obtained a sheet of paper that had all the names, so I've decided to let you all know, just in case you're looking for baby names.

Jebediah Roll
Nicholas Patrick Roll
Matt Suey Roll
Horatio Roll
Madmartegan Roll
Kosuke Ichiro Roll
Daniel Baldwin Roll
Nene
Hurricane Miami Roll
Alfonseca G. Roll
Randy Savage Roll
W. Axl Roll
Sumari Roll
Myron Baker Roll
Rock N. Roll
Marco Leone Roll
Herkey Roll
Jaromir Roll
Fritz Von Roll
Lookingbill Roll
Rohan Marley Roll
Dave Barr Roll
Theordore Roosevelt Roll
Fluffy Roll

There you have it. Congratulations to the proud parents! Now sit back and count all the loot you're gonna get in presents! Three cheers for Matt! Hip hip, HOORAY!! Hip hip, HOORAY!! Hip hip...on an island in the sun, we'll be playing and having fun, and it makes me feel so fine I can't control my brain...hip hip...

Eargasm Is All The Way Live

2008-11-11T19:56:00.003-06:00

That's right, kids! Eargasm has an mp3!

A few weeks back I posted some words and a picture for The Walctoberfest, a Halloween party that also happened to be the first place that Eargasm ever played. Back then it was just in an opening capacity, playing second fiddle to The Lovedogs. Well times have changed, bitch, and this time we were headlining, nay, we were the ONLY band there.

In honor of the huge and historic event, we decided to tape the show. We had no experience in doing such a thing, and as a result, the recording is quite poor. That being said, it's still provides us with some music. The sound levels are off - the crowd noise overpowers the music and vocals. You know what? You can still hear it!

So far, I've only uploaded one mp3 to a host site, the famed "Don't Wear Rubbers". I hope you enjoy it. And because I'm such a pimp, I'll make you work for it. You'll have to read my article over at www.pompculture.com first. Read it and enjoy it! CLICK HERE for that goodness.

One.

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The Engaged Life

2008-11-09T12:29:00.001-06:00

As I was sitting at home sweating out the Iowa-Penn State football game, I started contemplating life. You tend to do that when you're an Iowa fan. With seemingly every game winnable and close as all hell, you're sure that at any moment your heart or head will explode. There was no doubt in my mind that Daniel Murray would miss that 31 yard field goal to win it. I guess that makes it all the much sweeter since he nailed it.

My fiance remarked how she figured I would be much more excited with the dramatic win. Instead I sat in the dark, my hooded sweatshirt hiding my head and most of my face, and my hands covering all of my exposed face except for my beautiful, hazel eyes. He nailed it, and all I had to offer was an emphatically pumped fist. Penn State's title chances? Boom! Outta here.

It did get me thinking, though. I used to jump around and let loose a few profanities. Someone would have gotten tackled and I'd gladly role on the ground with them euphorically, regardless of their sex. Instead, I smiled widely, taking only modest sips from my Diet A&W Root Beer.
Dude, I'm getting old. Or maybe I've become "institutionalized" by soon-to-be-wedded life. Tough call, but I must admit that I have learned some things that women don't like once you've let it be known that you're spending the rest of your life with her. This is extremely valuable information that I'm giving you free of charge. I've learned it the hard way, in the trenches, and it's all going to help you immensely. You're welcome.

Things they don't find funny:

- The "Thompson" fart. This involves being in a conversation with your partner. You feel some gas coming on. The proper thing to do is to leave the room and let her fly. Instead, you drop ass right in her presence. As if that's not bad enough, you pretend that the audible stench was something that she said, to which you respond, "What did you just say?"

- Quoting Ron Burgandy lines as if they were fact. Specifically that a woman has a small brain. A brain 1/3 the size of a man's. It's science.

- Not checking in.

- Entering the room without regard to the situation, singing (yelling) obscure Guns 'n Roses song lyrics. Trust me, if she's talking to her mom on the phone, she is not amused when you barge into the room singing "Double talking jive, get the money motherfucker, 'cause I ain't got no more patience!"

- Faking a bad back, bad leg, or spinal meningitis when it comes to some sort of household chore like laundry, washing dishes, or taking a shower. Somehow, they see right through that stuff. It's uncanny.

- Taking a laissez fair attitude towards wedding planning. A standard response of "Yeah, whatever you want is fine with me" starts to wear on their patience. A point that coincides with this is repeatedly adding that you could just get married at The Justice of the Peace.

Why they don't have classes on this, I have no idea. But thankfully you can use me as the pack mule that does all the work. It's OK, I have a very strong back, stronger than most of the population's, and I can take it.

P.S. In a totally unrelated story, I think I previously mentioned that Thundermatt.com will cease to be updated very soon. I think Monday is the last day. The new site will be called PompCulture.com or something. Bookmark it if you want, or not, it doesn't matter to me. I have no idea how it will be different than what it was, so please don't ask. If you want to check out a pretty sweet blog, check out The Serious Tip. It's by a cat (Jordi) who joined ThunderMatt late in the game (his Eulogy posts were some of the best stuff at TMS in a long time). He's a really talented writer and his aforementioned personal blog is one that I've enjoyed reading for quite some time now. I only say that because I know he doesn't read this site, and I wouldn't tell him that because that would be kind of gay.

Just For A Reader

2008-11-05T06:59:00.003-06:00

In a rare moment of selling out, I'm bending my standards and allowing a reader to dictate what goes up on Eternal Stench. You see, I am so proud of the water polo picture that I've kept it at the top just for vanity reasons. But because the aforementioned reader may or may not be expecting a newborn any day now. Well, here's to you.

You may have heard that we now have a new President. Hooray! I guess. If you're reading this, chances are you know me very well, and you know I'm VERY skeptical of politicians. If you wish, you can read about my political frustrations over at the soon-to-be-defunct TMS. Don't cry to me, I was one of the few to oppose it, but then again I like to be a hard case.

The fiance and I watched The Departed on HBO, choosing to ignore the circus that is Election Coverage. That being said, when it was over, I had to watch to see the winner. What a fiasco that was. MSNBC took the approach of trumpeting their greatness. When it was clear that Obama would be the winner, the (white) commentators nearly tripped over themselves to claim how racially cool they were, while they scurried to interview every black politician they could find. Maybe it's the idealist in me, but I think the sooner we can stop thinking of Obama as the first black President and start thinking of him as a President who happens to be black, the sooner he can do his job. Baleedat.

It truly is an historic event. I wouldn't even attempt to understand the racial implications, especially for those black people who are over 40. It was touching to see them joyous, up to and past the point of tears. What a moment. Now, the others who were crying, specifically young whites? C'mon. I'm crying foul. Seriously? Your life has been SO bad up to this point that you are moved to tears? Riiight. This isn't fucking Riyadh, this isn't the Berlin Wall being torn down, it's not as if we've been under the rule of Nickolai Ceausescu for 40 years. Get a grip. I could sit here and try to talk myself into how epic of an event this is, like Armistice Day was back on the 40's, or putting a man on the moon, or when Joe Carter flied out to give the Cubs the tie-breaker win to put them into the '98 Playoffs. Look, it's a big deal. But to the point where I throw confetti and jump and shout? Nah, brah. I have to go to work tomorrow.

The real focus should be getting busy on trying to straighten things out. Stop thinking in terms of Republicans and Democrats (same shit, different piles). Cripes, who would've thought I would ever quote Jimmy Carter? "It's time to stop crying, and start sweating."

More than anything, I'm glad it's all over. The whole process makes me nauseous.

(Wait, Al Franken is running for a political position? Whoa! If I ran against him, I'd just say "Read the book Saturday Night". Dude was high out of his mind the whole time!)

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Happy Halloween, Poofers

2008-10-27T10:26:00.002-05:00

Because nothing says "Happy Halloween!" like being uber-wasted, sporting a speedo and rocking a textbook 'Fair Grip' with some light beer.

Barack Obama might have just lost my vote

2008-10-24T16:45:00.003-05:00

Please note the footwear with his jeans. What was he in, Obama Phi Delta? I bet his hobbies include: talking on an iPhone, taking ecstacy pills, owning an Audi, wearing khakis and long-sleeved white tees, shopping in the Organic Isle of the grocery store, fighting dudes at bars. Ahhh!! I crack myself up. Skeet skeet!

What I'm Knee Deep In 10/23/08

2008-10-23T09:08:00.005-05:00

I just got done reading Already Dead by Charlie Huston. Dude is my new favorite author by far. Already Dead is the first book in an ongoing series (The Joe Pitt Series) that deals with a vampire. It reads fast and furious, and Huston has written comics. Sounds really gay, but it's an awesome book. Got me so stoked I just dropped about $30 on www.abebooks.com to get Huston's entire collection. Good stuff.

I am currently reading Slash, the biography of, well, Slash from Guns N Roses. Pure, unadulterated tabloid stuff. I love it. I'm just getting to the part where he's joining GnR, so I know it's gonna get even nastier and more decadent, thought up to this point, I'd say that's a tall order. If you were even a bit of a GnR fan, you simply must read this. For fuck's sake, the tagline is "It seems excessive...but that doesn't mean it didn't happen"

A book I just couldn't finish - The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway. I've had so many people suggest this book to me, going all the way back to high school. I've tried to read it now on two separate occasions. I just can't do it. Way too dry. It's like trying to read someone else's journal. It's not doing it for me.

On the music front, my new guys are a band from the Twin Cities, A Night in the Box. Kind of bluegrass/punk/rock, it may be an acquired taste, I dunno. All I know is that it's been on my iPod for a few weeks now (except for when I'm trying to get the changes down for Monster Mash, which will be debuting on Saturday, BTW). Worth a listen.

I'm also really into wedding planning right now...not.

Don't Forget!!

2008-10-22T09:21:00.002-05:00

That's THIS Saturday...don't be a tool and show up sans costume. I've already got dibs on a water polo player costume, so step the fuck off of that, G.

OMG, YES! A Thousand Times Yes.

2008-10-19T22:32:00.004-05:00

Let's face it, the Rays are a great story. They're a good example that hard work and competent managing can get you to the World Series. Goddamn, that was one interesting series. I can't even begin to describe the elation I felt when Boston went down. To quote Jeffery Lebowski, "The bums lost!!" It's probably a good indication of my warped sense of reality, but I got so much more joy out of the failure of the Red Sox. I think they outspend the Rays something like 3 to 1. Ha! God do I ever hate Red Sox fans. Eat a dick, chowds.

The Rays. Ha! Sporting mohawks and a manger with emo glasses. It's never looked so cool.

I can only name maybe half of the Rays lineup, so here's my take on the ALCS losers.

Coco Crisp - I used to like Coco. He has a cool name, he's gritty, never one to bask in the lime light. That whole business with that bench clearing brawl sealed it. I had no idea he was such a thug. And a douche.

Dustin Pedroia - This is a guy I should like. Scrappy, plays hard, all that stuff. The MVP talk was so asinine that I'm blaming him. I hate him now, and his jerkoff beard, his jerkoff rope necklaces and pine tarred hat.

David Ortiz - I don't really mind him. He seems like he really has fun. Though aside from that 3-run blast in Game 5, he sucked pretty bad in the ALCS.

Kevin Youklis - I liked him in Moneyball. Now I despise his eccentric ass. He's a profuse sweater, and he looks like a guy that always smells like ass.

Gay D Drew - King of All Douches

Jason Bay - A Canadian, I like Bay, probably b/c of me being a closet Pirate fan. I never liked him until NAFTA went into effect.

Mark Kotsay - Hmm, I guess I'll give my opinion in Spanish - mas o menos.

Jason Varitek - This guy is a fraud. Hits like Neifi Perez, doesn't call his own game, yet he's mysteriously an All Star?

Alex Cora - Really? REALLY??

Josh Beckett - OMG, this assclown is a major tool.

Jonathan Papelbon - I don't know what else to say other than check out when I mentioned him at TMS.

A Gradiose Middle Finger to Politics

2008-10-11T10:37:00.004-05:00

First of all, I'm sorry for posting about politics. Probably more than anyone, I'm sick of hearing about it and nauseous from having it shoved down my throat. Seriously, all of the shit is really getting old and pretty much lazy. If I have to hear anymore shit-slinging from either party, I might fucking snap.

Barack Obama is going to raise my taxes!

John McCain is old more of the GWB Agenda!

Obama is a terrorist!

Sara Palin is a dumb whore!

Joe Biden is...who? OH! He has hairplugs!

Yeah, nice. You lazy-ass sons of bitches. All of you who rant on and on about political shit should ask yourself this question before you get on your soapbox: "Does anyone care what I think?" My answer to you would be: "Most of the time, no." And this goes out most notably to musicians, Hollywood actors, and sports figures. Please, and let me put this as nice as I can, shut the fuck up. Which leads me to my main point here in this rant...

I am now officially a grumpy old man. I called both the Iowa Democratic Party and the Iowa Republican party and asked them to stop mailing me shit. No shit, but for the last 3 weeks, I have gotten shit in the mail every day dealing with some sort of political propaganda. "What Do Doctors Think About The Candidates Health Plans?", "What Has Barack Obama Really Accomplished in Politics?", "John McCain: Family Man". OMFG! Honestly, I get this shit every day. Does everyone else? Probably. But that doesn't mean I didn't try and do shit about it.

The Republicans took forever in dealing with me, I was getting transferred to person after person. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't one of the main ideals of Republicans to have LESS government? I finally spoke to someone who said they had no record of me being on the list, but would do everything she could to make sure I didn't get anymore. Riiight. She really didn't have an answer as to why I was getting the stuff in the first place. This leads me to another thought - why in the hell would you want to volunteer for an election? Lies, lies, lies. I'm all for volunteer work, just not for these slimy bastards.

The Democrats have been the leader in the junk mail, but they were an equal nuisance to deal with on the phone, maybe worse. I really started to get irate because they kept asking me questions about voting. I kept repeating my question as to why I was getting mail from them, and how I could stop it. After aggressively requesting to speak to the person in charge, I questioned their stance on the environment, and how all the mail I was getting was going against the Democrat's stance on the environment. They had nothing to say to that. Short of being a complete jerk and dropping f-bombs, I kindly asked the stammering dude to just help me out, explaining that I'm not political and don't want their stuff. I really never got an assurance that they'd try to stop the mail.

What a surpise.

Point of Emphasis - please don't get me wrong on the importance of politics. I strongly believe everyone should vote, and that it's one of the most important freedoms we have. A co-worker told me she doesn't vote, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't? What if no one voted? Jesus. I'm saying you have a responsibility to do your own research, which is a mighty, mighty tough thing to do these days as it's nearly impossible to find unbiased media coverage, which if you've watched, all but declare allegiances to their desired candidate. Happy voting, fuckers!

Iowa City Gig 10-11-08

2008-10-09T08:49:00.001-05:00

It's The Best Time of the Year

2008-10-06T21:15:00.004-05:00

MLB Playoffs, bitch. Sure, the Cubs turned in an epic turd, but it doesn't change the fact that there's no better time in sports than the MLB Playoffs. March Madness is close, but it's no cigar. NBA Playoffs? Nope, I don't know enough about the teams outside of the Bulls. NFL Playoffs? Once a week AND a sport that gets shoved down your throat? Nah, brah. Baseball is king.

My one and only beef about them, however, is the time of the games. Take for instance last night. The game got over with at like 2:00am. Shit, I can't stay up that late, and I even tried. What about some little kid? That's not right. But if that's all that I can find fault with, I can live with it.

OK, so we know what the Cubs did. I have to admit, I was darned happy to see the White Sox take a knee today. It's not that I'm a hater (I save that for the OTHER Sox team) because they're Chicago's other team, it's because of their style of play. Let's face it, they're a glorified fucking softball team with a Grade A Douchebag for a manager. They have to hit home runs to beat anyone. And how funny was it that they lost their best offensive player to a broken wrist when he slammed his hand on his bat, whining after a K. Nice one. Good to see the Rays take it, playing team ball, doing everything to score runs.

As for the other teams, I'll pull for Philly in the NL because I had fun in the Illidelph earlier this year, and I've always hated the Dodgers.

The AL? Go Rays. I don't mind the Angels. I fucking DESPISE the Red Sox, led by that overrated fucknut of a catcher, Jason Varitek. That guy is a fraud. Doesn't even call his own game. (Insert fart noise).

I guess I'd say go Phillies for the whole thing since I'm not too keen on the AL. But as is the norm for my rooting interests, the opposite always happens. God help us if it's Dodgers/Red Sox.

I worked out tonight, swimming and lifting. In honor of that it's time for another wildly popular installment of...

What Would Arnie Say?*:

Thickness in the bicep is important, but height is a quality that is often overlooked. I have always worked hard on developing peaks, and I feel I won a lot of competitions because of my high biceps. Here the camera angle is low so that the scenery in the background does not overpower my physique. This is how you can appear bigger than a mountain!

*courtesy of "Arnold Schwarzenegger's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding"

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Rambling Game 2 Thread

2008-10-02T20:25:00.010-05:00

Lemme first state that I confided to a fellow TMS Bartender, who happens to be a Dodger fan, that I thought the Cubs matched up terribly with the Dodgers. Frankly, their hard throwing righties that nibble on the outside corner does not bode well for us. Dodgers in 5. Hopefully I'm wrong. Due to a scheduling SNAFU last night (wedding planning dinner w/both sets of parents), I'll add rambling thoughts about tonight's game.

Inning 1 (Top)

Zamby is coming out dealing. I'm worried, he's an emotional pitcher in a must-win game. I like that he's working fast, which is fine as long as he's in control.

Wow, challenging Manny? I don't like it.

Hell, I'm wrong, he blew him away

Inning 1 (Bottom)

Cripes, will Soriano please show up? Shit, who am I fooling, I wish any of the Cubs would show up.

Hey! Soriano got a hit! Billingsly first pitch strike? Do you have a scouting report?

Alfie takes 2nd on a wild pitch. Theriot is looking bad, late at everything...AND he strikes out. Inexcusable. A contact hitter that can't put the ball in play against a strike throwing pitcher? Nah, brah. Maybe Fuk should have stayed there.

D-Lee, please don't hit into ANOTHER double play. Nope. K

A-Ram flies out. ANOTHER op wasted.

Inning 2 (Top)

FUCK! Lack of typing due to being pissed. Hit, error on botched double play that would have ended inning instead scores a run, ANOTHER error. Christ!

Bases loaded bunt single scores again. Jesus.

Sack clearing double for Russ-hole Martin. This is like a sick fucking joke. Seriously. Z is not pitching bad. At this point his head may explode...and he K's Manny again.

Inning 2 (Bottom)

Alright, let's chip away at it. Maybe not panic.

Three up three down. (panicking)

Inning 3 (Top)

Man, Z needs an easy inning. Some big sticks coming up.

Jesus, Dick Stockton is absolutely terrible. This is the best they could do? And Ron Fucking Darling? Jesus!

Deep fly to center, I thought it was gone.

Three up three down. Yay!

Inning 3 (Bottom)

Fukudome needs to get on here. Fucking DeRosa's bad calf. Should have him in right and Fontenot at 2nd. I digress.

And FUKHEAD strikes out. TERRIBLE

Z walk squandered, nothing. (panicking)

Inning 4 (Top)

ANOTHER error, now by A-Ram, and like clockwork, Furcal gets a hit. Fans are booing. Better than rattling jewelry I suppose.

Oh shit, now Z is glaring at the ump. Not what we need. I fucking hate Russhole Martin...and Z strikes him out. Has a guy who's surrendered 5 runs through 4 innings ever pitched better?

The fiance (ha! Still feels weird to say!) just found 12 empty snack boxes in the cupboards, no shit. Adam just moved out. That SOB!!! That reminds me, if you see Adam, tell him he's a dumbass for not buying a house. (omg jk Adam, BFF!!)

Inning 4 (Bottom)

OK, we need some runs in this inning. At least two.

D-Lee is alive! You can't hit into a DP if no one's on! He singles.

A-Ram, GIDP, nope, D-Lee plays the role of BIG AL HARRIS and bats it down. Broken hand? I wouldn't doubt it.

PLEASE ANNOUNCERS!! STOP SAY "CUBBIES"!!! Jesus.

Surprise! Double play. Sick. Fucking. Joke.

Inning 5 (Top)

I just thought of how Thode is a Dodger fan. How does this happen? Probably from '88. Bullshit. Thode now joins Duncan in having the name, "Late 80's Bandwagon Boy".

I'm stressed. I just put in a dip. The can is about 4 weeks old and I just found out the cap wasn't on tight. It's like chewing pencil shavings. LUCKY DIP? Who knows? Man-Ram is leading off...

Home Run, a bomb to center. UNLUCKY DIP!! Well, it's only surrendered 1 run, my no-dip mouth has yielded 5. Oh yeah, 6-0 Dodgers.

They just showed Fox Tracker (only it's TBS). Note to league: Manny kills thigh-high fastballs middle in.

Raconteurs music on graphic. I'm too depressed to be stoked.

Dip has been in for 3 minutes, all flavor is gone.

HEY!! We turned a double play! LUCKY DIP IS BACK, BAY-BEEE!!!!

Inning 5 (Bottom)

Edmonds flies to the track. Would you expect anything less?

Now the announcers are saying the obvious: the Cubs are choking, but they're saying it nicely. Darling points out how not scoring in the first set the tone for ineptness. Tru that, Ron. DOUBLE TRUE!

AAAAnd another 1,2,3. (not panicking, slowing accepting the inevitable)

They're playing like Torre's Yankee teams, we're playing like the monster Seattle team that Piniella coached.

Inning 6 (Top)

C'mon lucky dip!! Help me out here.

Casey Blake. When the fuck did they get him? He's from Iowa. Indianola I believe. Z beans him.

Jesus, the OBP of Dodger pitchers must be Ruthian in stature. Blake out on a force. Looked safe on first view.Yep, he was.

Z got out of it with a flyout to Alfie. Quit it with that ridiculous GD hop.

Inning 6 (Bottom)

I've now received 2 emails asking me about the VP Debate tonight. Didn't watch. CARE!!!

Down 6 and Z's still up? Not so sure about this. He grounds out. At least he put it in play (Theriot!)

IM from Chaim Witz: i mean are you fucking kidding me dude? this was our YEAR! 100 year anniversary...it was perfect

Soriano somehow lays off a fastball 5 feet outside...then K's on the next pitch. Fans boo. Me too. My gums are starting to ache.

Another 1,2,3 inning. By my tally that's 8 of them for the Cubs so far tonight. What? There's only been 6 innings so far? That's why I wrote it, it's shocking. This Billingsgink guy is looking like Walter Big Train Johnson.

Inning 7 (Top)

Tommy LaSorda is a fat piece of shit. I prefer to remember him as a failed Slim Fast rep and from the time he got knocked over in the AS Game by Vlad's errant bat.

Manny seems like he's been up every inning. Z tried an Eaphas (sp?) pitch. Doesn't work. At least he didn't hit it out.

After a Manny walk, Lou takes him out. Guy pitched a good game. Good enough to win, save for a shoddy defensive effort and a league leading offense that is playing with puckered assholes.

Ugh. Neal Cotts, while dreamy to look at, walks his first batter faced.

I think I have ringworm on the bottom of my foot. Warrants mentioning.

Kemp knocks in Manny, 7-0.

Inning 7 (Bottom)

You know, people were wanting us to play the Dodgers in the first round. Me? I lobbied hard for the Pirates and Padres. My requests were ignored. Kind of like that shirt I wore in college that read "I LOVE BLOWJOBS"

Inning 8 (Top)

Marmol is in, he gives up a leadoff hit.

Sac bunt, and then an RBI single for Furcal. LUCKY DIP is being disposed of. All I got to show for it was a lousy case of mouth cancer. I'm going back to Diet Dr. Pepper, which is basically waving the white flag.

Manny, another hit, another RBI. 9-1 Bums. And why we're on it, shouldn't the Cubs be the Bums? Maybe Disease Ridden Transients? Marmol, just like the Cubs, now has a track record of sucking cock in the postseason.

Jeez, am I ever glad that I didn't grossly overpay for a ticket in this series.

Inning 8 (Bottom)

Fontenot, Soriano, Theriot. Sounds like some blank squares on the score card.

And it was.

Inning 9 (Top)

Kerry Wood is in. Not exactly when you want to insert your closer - down eight runs in the 9th inning.

TBS shows a shot of Santo. Sweet Christ, I forgot about him. Better put some orderlies on him for suicide watch.

Darling says it's a "badge of honor" that Cubs fans wear, historically staying for the entirety of blowout losses. More like, "I'm not fucking leaving after I spent a couple hundy on these tickets!"

Theriot - ERROR. Now all Cub infielders have errors. Soto has also thrown 2 balls back to the pitcher that came nowhere close to the mound.

Hey! They capitalize! Another run scored on an RBI single by Blake. 10-1.

ANOTHER hit. Just embarassing. Torre should tell all the Dodgers to just start bunting.

Inning 9 (Bottom, thank God)

Lee, A-Ram, DeRosa. I fully expect a token solo shot here. Hopefully it's a quick inning, I have an early appointment in the morning.

Lee doubles to lead off.

A-Ram singles. Lee holds at third. All we need now is 8 straight homers and we've got ourselves a series again!!

D-Ro doubles, but both umps on the line inexplicably call it foul.Good thing they emply an extra ump just for the outfield lines.

And now my BFF DeRosa makes it a no-doubt double off the wall in the gap, 2 runs score. 10-3.

Torre brings in some heavy dude that looks like he throws gas. Thanks, Joe. Now I'll be up 'til midnight.

Pie walks. No one out. It's not a cocktease yet.

Soto gets a double yolked by the 2nd baseman. Damn.

FUKstick strikes out for the 3rd time. I want no more of him this series.

Ward K's on a questionable call. Game over, man.

We need a Jimmy Valvano speech.

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Well, whaddya say? It's not like we haven't won 3 in row this year. I guess it's possible - assuming we start picthing well, stop making errors, and start getting hits that generate runs.

The Pump

2008-09-30T21:29:00.009-05:00

Yes, another weightlifting post. You know, so much about weightlifting is prone to ridicule. Yes, you look like a douchebag when you do it, and if that's not bad enough, you're encouraged to look at yourself being a douchebag in the mirror. Which reminds me, in response to a previous article, I received a voicemail from none other than the renowned weightlifter, Beefkoch Sanders, who said, "you ALWAYS use the mirror when you lift. How else are you supposed to monitor your form?"

One thing you can't deny, the famed "pump" does feel good. Maybe not to the extent that Arnie described it, as being "sexual, feeling like you're coming". Sorry Arnie, I don't think so, but it is nice. I do my dips, chin-ups, Arnold Press, and overhead tricep cable pulls, and suddenly my frail, marshmellowy arms are taught and firm, the smooth skin sprouting veins in places I didn't know veins existed. The only difference is, my veins look like the cord on a ceiling fan, where Arnie's bulge like bridge cables. Eh, I'm getting there.

Todays weight room offenders? People who work out in jeans. HellOOOO!!

What Would Arnie Say?:*
(On Hairstyle)
The way your hair is cut can affect your overall look. Here Robby Robinson has an afro, and this extra mass of hair tends to make his neck, traps, and shoulders look too small.

If your hair is long and shaggy, it not only comes down over your neck and obscures your traps, but makes your head look bigger--and your body correspondingly smaller. Very short hair, on the other hand, can make you look like a refugee from a boot camp.

Study your haircut in the mirror...and look at photos to determine the style that is right for you. And above all, make sure you keep your hair looking clean and healthy by shampooing regularly and, if necessary, conditioning it.

Well said, Arnie! And thanks for the hygiene tips!

*courtesy of "Arnold Schwartzenegger's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding"

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